Published on September 9th, 2015 | by Crow


NPA News: Season 4, Week 1

Hello everyone! Welcome back to NPA News from what may have been the longest hiatus of your life. “How will I live without the drama and knowledge that the NPA News provided me with,” you surely thought. “I guess I’ll just have to continue on with this charade known as having a life,” you think. Days pass. The days turn into weeks, which turn into months. You’re about to give up hope that your life will never be as rich, vibrant, and fulfilling as when NPA News was a part of it. You pull up the @NPANews Twitter account and caress the logo, mourning this great loss. But wait, what’s this? A thread calling for NPA Manager applications? You are suddenly filled with hope. Maybe NPA News will come back! With your newfound hope you find the strength to wait a bit longer. And then it happens, the Player Sign-Up Thread! You hurriedly check Twitter, as you’re a savvy news follower and know it’s the place to get the most up to date information. You scroll past the tweets about SGDQ, the LCS, the tweets by that girl who only talks about how she does CrossFit, and YES! A tweet by none other than NPA News! Your life will once again be filled with the knowledge and drama that you’ve longed for!

We in the business of news spend a lot of time talking about others, so let us indulge a bit in this first issue and start off by talking about ourselves. The head of NPA 3 News, Unreality, has left us. He had instead decided to venture back into managing, wanting to redeem himself after leading the Mossdeep Rockets to the worst season in NPA history back in NPA 2. Unsurprisingly, no one trusts him at the head of a team right now, so he’s the assistant manager of the Mistralton Jets, led by makiri. Taking over his spot at the NPA News team will be myself, Crow. I suppose this is a promotion of sorts for my excellent field work last year. As the new boss of news, that means I also have the ability to hire others. That said, I hope you all are as excited as I am that Zog will be joining the NPA News crew (Alright lads and lasses!). Zog really proved his reporting worth last year with his exceptional article on Mary Berry and the Great British Snake-Off.

So now, we’ll go to the question on everyone’s mind…

What’s new in NPA 4?

A lot, actually. First off, the NPA is under new management. After last year’s disastrous drama involving Commissioners Biosci and Duy, the mysterious board of executives have decided to replace them with Zach Droegkamp (Braverius) and Nic Freda (AP Frank). These two are nearly void of any previous nefarious dealings, putting them in a great position to run the cleanest NPA we’ve ever seen. However, some are crying fowl about Braverius. They claim he has a direct conflict of interest with his old team, the Fortree Brave Birds, and that he is attempting to rig the system to favor them. Addtionally, some are suspicious of the unexpected end of the Spring Scramble, a tournament he hosted. While many do believe his reasons for cancelling it, there are a few who say it was ended because of dirty, under-the-table dealings going wrong and funding drying up. NPA News gives him the benefit of the doubt for now, but we’re keeping an eye on you, Comi$$ioner Braverius.

Another thing that has changed this year is that the number of teams has actually gone down. This is largely accredited to less sponsorship funding than last year, in response to huge amounts of negative PR on the league. Due to the NPA’s new transparency policies, we were able to find out that many of the sponsors who stayed demanded that the NPA reform its team structure. They felt that many managers last year held too much power, leading to corruption and fixed games. As such, there are now assistant managers to add some balance.

What to Expect

  • “Hey guys, Aaron ‘Cybertron’ Zheng he- aww I’ve lost again”
  • Unreality trying to farm likes on his posts.
  • Players putting off games until the last second.
  • Players not knowing their correct time zone.
  • The Chargers secretly training with Italians.
  • People forgetting about Spain.
  • Lots of coffee themed product placement.
  • Hax.

What Not to Expect

  • Chuppa using Scald. He has a history of of not being able to boil water.
  • Respect for Australian players.
  • Players being reasonable with their schedules.
  • Managers giving players on other teams the benefit of the doubt.
  • SoulSur defeating his old rival, a door that locks.
  • Any VGC ’14.
  • SirSmoke being the one who will finally redeem British players.

The Ferries

In a deal unknown to many last year, the Lilycove Cruisers and the Laverre Pixies had an agreement. If either team made it to the playoffs, the other would help them, whether through scouting or ghosting. This year we’ve seen that collusion come out of the shadows. Ex-Pixies player Simon has taken over the Cruisers, while last year’s manager, Jio, has stepped down to assistant manager. With the Goldenrod Gamblers gone, the Cruisers have certainly become the shadiest team in the NPA.


As many of you know, there was a huge ghosting scandal in the NPA last year. Commissioner Braverius has come up with a novel strategy for curbing ghosting behavior this year. Any player caught ghosting will not only receive a set loss, but their team will be forced to use exclusively Ghost-type Pokémon in the following week. Failure to do so will result in a team loss. “It just seemed like the solution that also had entertainment value for the fans,” remarked Braverius. “I wanted to get across the point that even though players play individual matches, your actions reflect on your team. I also wanted to give fans something to look forward to, instead of dwelling on the drama like what happened last year.”

What the Yams Is a Roller?

The new team on the block this year is the Shalour City Rollers. Which begs the question: what the yams is a roller? What do Rollers have to do with Shalour City? The gym leader of that city wears roller skates—is that what a roller is? But then why is the mascot a Hydreigon? This whole team, managed by Wyrms Eye, just seems to be a collection of bad decisions all over—both in name and in logo. Will the Rollers (really? the Rollers? Are you sure you’re just not trying to ride the hype off of last year’s champions, the Rollouts?) prove they’re worth more than their branding? Only time will tell, but right now, NPA News gives their name a 1/10 for obvious reasons, and their logo a 5/10. I guess roller skating Hydreigon is cool, but it really doesn’t fit the Shalour City scene at all. This is one team we probably won’t be rolling with this year.

The Draft in Review

This year, there were 366 players who signed up to be in the draft pool. But the number of prospective players isn’t the story here; instead, it’s how the draft went down (you can see how every pick went down at our Twitter, @NPANews). The draft was dictated by what Comi$$ioner Braverius saw on his screen. As such, there were several questionable calls that locked out managers from bidding, despite most spectators seeing otherwise; the difference was blamed on “bad Wisconsin Internet.” Another big part of the draft was the Pizza Tip factor. Huy had a pizza delivered and asked, in draft format, how much he should tip. This raised important questions, such as: which players are worth more than the tip? Does pizza taste directly correlate with NPA skills? We hear scientists and statisticians are still working on those questions. A few managers tried to go off-list and draft players under the radar. Fortunately, the other managers were quick to call out this behavior, especially the Hornets new manager, Alaka. A true rules lawyer, he didn’t let anyone get away with anything, including a team attempting to draft two ineligible players in a row (which almost led to the skipping of their nomination entirely). However, not everyone was such a rules lawyer; despite Wolfe nullifying a bid on MajorBowman too late, the other managers came together and voted to allow a rebid. Here’s what the NPA News crew decided were the best and worst picks of the draft:

Best Pick:
Blacklag to the Holy Spirits for 10k. As the current German National champion, you might expect Blacklag to go for more. #Blacklagsmatter, anyone?
Worst Pick:
Flash. (AAAAAAH!), sold to the Holy Spirits for 6k, which is an awful lot after last year’s impressive 0-9 performance. Will he be Abel to make up for his Sanz?

The Brave Birds’ New Logo

Recently, the Fortree Brave Birds have come under fire for having only American players on their team. Their manager, Gavin Michaels (kingofmars), passed it off as a fresh start. “I simply couldn’t have players from other countries on my team during this rebranding process. We’ve already spent so much; we’re very invested into it and there was no turning back.” Michaels let NPA News have an exclusive look at his team’s new logo:


The Zog Box

So hey. It’s that time of year again. A time for schedule clashes. A time for late nights on a video game. A time for “I’ve heard of him, he’ll probably win.” It’s time for NPA, a time when the Birds are Brave and the Oppressors are Ominous (and PrettyLittleLiars). There’s good clean fun and dirty dirty drama, all in the name of amateur Pokémon. And, if you manage to do something stylish, a little extra…

Introducing NPA 4’s weekly challenge: GRAB SOME GROG WITH ZOG!
Every week, in the name of top keks and epic banter, I’m setting you all a challenge. Be the first to complete it, and I’ll buy you a pint at Worlds. (Or if you’re so inclined, some Maccy’s chicken nuggets instead! Mm, petroleum.)

This week’s challenge: first Aussie to “thrash” their opponent, or first to “thrash” their Aussie opponent (“thrash” here meaning to merk; destroy; see ya kid; annihilate; otherwise defeat them 2-1) gets a tinny on me…bonzer!?

Current winner list:

  • Scott (For honorable services to VGC)
  • And more to come!

So what are you waiting for, boys and girls? Get stuck in!

About the Author

Kaw Kaw! Twitter: @CrowVGC

10 Responses to NPA News: Season 4, Week 1

  1. GreatTornado says:

    What Not to Expect:

    • Respect for Australian players.


  2. Livy says:


    They’re right, you know :P

  3. Zog says:



    …hahahaha, in other news CONGRATULATIONS TO LEXICON for becoming the first winner of “grab some grog with Zog” after his overwhelming 2-1 thrashing the man himself.

    (In all seriousness aussies, fortunately I’m well aware that one cocky Freddo doesn’t spoil the multipack, so stay fresh guys you’re a pleasure)

  4. Unreality says:

    Like this post and you could be the one to give me my 2000th like

  5. Unreality says:

    These likes do not farm themselves. I would like to personally thank each and every one of the Nugget Bridge users who have liked my posts. I would also like to thank Crow for being my best friend in the whole wide world. I think he did a great job with this news and that he really used some dank memes to great effect. I believe that in NPA 4 we can reach new levels of like-whoring. Together.

  6. Chuppa says:

    These likes do not farm themselves. I would like to personally thank each and every one of the Nugget Bridge users who have liked my posts. I would also like to thank Crow for being my best friend in the whole wide world. I think he did a great job with this news and that he really used some dank memes to great effect. I believe that in NPA 4 we can reach new levels of like-whoring. Together.

    congratulations everyone you just liked a like farming post ABOUT farming likes
    how very meta of you

  7. Kyriakou says:


  8. pball0010 says:

    Is it like-farming time? I think it is!

    Go team!


  9. PokeDad says:

    I legit laughed at this a few times. Well done.

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