Reports

Published on October 29th, 2014 | by Zog

25

Mary Berry and the Great British Snake-Off

Eh up, dear reader. It’s been a while! I’ve had a busy past couple of months, and haven’t been playing Pokémon at all. In fact, while the hype was gearing up for Worlds (which I sadly had to miss this year), I hadn’t even been paying attention to any of it. While everyone else was flying out to DC, I was lost in the middle of a moonlit hurricane, on a sort-of spectacularly catastrophic journey in sort-of foreign lands. There were e-cards, magic wands, a Human Tentipede, and a man got hit in the head with a strawberry BN biscuit. In short, as is usual for me, things got a little out-of-hand.

Technical Challenge: Regret-Filled Cornish Pasties

I recall at one point, dressed like a chess club Lil’ Wayne, belly flopping onto a Neff-branded (See: RiFF RAFF) luminous yellow beanbag and, in the process, spilling my Cornish Rattler cider all over my shapely calves. As my merry mind rationalised the splashes of the sticky yellow liquid across my legs (because at least it’s only apple juice), I noticed a stupid plastic cup rolling across the grass, emblazoned with an arguably stupid cartoon snake, which was stupidly grinning at me as it gleefully rocked back and forth along the two inches between my shapely left calf and my muscular right ankle. My paradoxical ego at this point realised that I shouldn’t be calling the snake stupid. Firstly, I’ve definitely done dumber things than this gormless cartoon snake has. Secondly, if he’s stupid, I should probably be laughing at myself more than I am at him, because there I am, a sort-of snake researcher who does snake things in a laboratory with dead snakes, and it’s for seemingly no useful reason. I’m covered in fermented apple juice, but there I am laughing at the grinning snake. My work goes like this: “Let’s get the DNA from this snake from this island and compare it with the DNA of all these snakes from these islands in order to see which islands’ snakes are the most closely-related, because somebody should care. There is a reason to care. At least, I hope so.” I sat there thinking, why do I even bother with these stupid snakes? And then it hits me: oh yeah, it’s because I enjoy it, and that’s what matters. Being a zoologist is almost completely and utterly functionally pointless, all things considered. It’s a field that really isn’t helping many people, and it definitely isn’t earning much money. But it’s really, really fun and interesting, and that’s why I do it. Plus, I kind of like snakes. They’re cool. And there’s so many people in worse positions than I am. So I thought to myself, “Get a grip, Zog. Count your blessings and stop being such a bell. Go and fiddle with your snake stuff and enjoy it again, you mangy bugger. Stop moaning about your Trimeresurus flavoviridis and remind yourself of why you became a zoologist in the first place. Being a geek, I instead remembered that Trimeresurus flavoviridis is in fact the binominal name of the snake that inspired Seviper, and then, a thought struck me. A stupid, stupid snakey thought. I needed to make a stupid, fun Pokémon team based around Seviper.

Signature Challenge: Having a Seviper Cake, and Eating It

The stupid idea came amusingly quickly. It was a Wednesday, so like all decent English people, I was relaxing in front of BBC Two for the weekly Great British Bake-Off. Everybody loves tuning in to watch Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood sensually munch on ladies’ buns as they trade innuendos. It’s that straightforward, yet still somehow funny. At least, I thought that was funny. Anyway, after a while Sue Perkins’ grating normcore witticisms grew too much, so I got bored and looked up Seviper’s movepool. Immediately, like a 2011 London rioter in an Uncle Ben’s basmati rice warehouse, I irrationally fell in love. Seviper learns the move Belch, a huge Poison-type attack that pretty much nobody’s heard of. With one catch: its user has to eat a berry before it can use it. Not a Mary Berry, mind you (Mum, get the camera! Joke of the century!). A held item berry. So I thought, how am I going to get this Seviper to eat a berry? It’s slow, it’s rubbish, it’s just going to get knocked out before it does anything. Practically every offensive Pokémon in the game outspeeds and one-hit KOs Seviper if it doesn’t carry a Choice Scarf. And then, in a sudden moment of clarity, I realised: Seviper doesn’t need to hold the berry. I can make something else throw it at her!

Thus, in a blaze of burning, bakery-themed glory, the pairing of Choice Scarf Seviper and Fling Petaya Berry Hawlucha was born, and it
was beautiful.

Anaconda– Nicki Minaj
“My anaconda don’t want none… unless you’ve got buns, hun!”
Seviper (F) @ Choice Scarf
Ability: Shed Skin
EVs: 252 Special Attack / 252 Speed / 4 HP
Modest Nature
– Belch
– Sludge Wave
– Flamethrower
– Switcheroo

Fortunately, although she’s a septuagenarian, Mary Berry has plenty of buns. Heh, heh, baking-based innuendos. Paul Hollywood, Nigella… no. English TV cooking would be lost without you. Nicki Minaj’s latest offering, however, isn’t really innuendo. Nicki Minaj’s idea of baking innuendo is probably American Pie, as subtle as a rhinoceros. It should be obvious why I named my snake Pokémon Anaconda, even though it’s a completely different kind of snake. I just have a thing for both snakes and the female Weezy. I even made myself a phone case of a snake dressed like her and pouting, which is as funky as it sounds, and not at all weird or jarring.

Seviper, meanwhile, is an incredibly rubbish Pokémon. It’s weak, its stats are terribly distributed, and nearly everything KOs it with ease. Seviper’s role in the VGC metagame is as snakekind’s Eddie the Eagle: yet another obscure reference you’ll probably have to Google. Essentially, Seviper is utterly terrible and should never be used under reasonable circumstances. Fortunately for you, you aren’t a lab monkey specialising in the Okinawan habu viper. That, alas, is my thing. That’s what I’m going into major student debt doing, thank you very much Nick Clegg. Like a long-distance lover, I had to try to make it work. It never works, but again, like a long-distance lover, I had to try. I was invested. Trimeresurus flavoviridis is sort of my bae.

The EVs I put together to outspeed Noivern, which hilariously one-hit KOs my beautiful Anaconda with Draco Meteor. In fact, I don’t think there is a single Dragon in the metagame that doesn’t one-hit KO my Nicki snake. I have no idea if +1 Belch KOs Noivern. Literally not a clue. All I care about is getting that Belch out, whacking things with it, and finding it all hilarious. Sludge Wave is for spamming around and hitting stuff with, and Flamethrower metaphorically melts Anaconda’s opponents like unfridged Baked Alaska. And, trust me, if you’re bad enough to let something get melted by my Seviper, forget the Baked Alaska. You belong in the bin.

Anyway, look. Seviper is useless, but this is a joke team. Just roll with it, please.

Fancy– Iggy Azalea
“First thing’s first, I’m the realest. Drop this and let the whole world feel it.”
Hawlucha (F) @ Petaya Berry
Ability: Unburden
EVs: 12 HP/ 252 Attack / 4 Defence / 4 Special Defence / 236 Speed
Jolly Nature
– Sky Drop
– Fling
– Encore
– Detect

I was just looking at Hawlucha, and thought to myself… jeez, what do I call this lil’ fella? It’s mental. Then I noticed how it looks like it’s wearing leggings and immediately thought of the one and only Iggy Azalea. Then, like Newton’s apple, Queen Iggy fell off the stage and into my consciousness, rendering me in a state of newfound epiphany. Everything suddenly became clear. I realised things that I felt I’d long known to be true. I had to name my Hawlucha after her song “Fancy”. Seviper and Hawlucha; Nicki and Iggy. The yin and yang of preteen-friendly twerking.

Hawlucha is one of those Pokémon to me. It’s like a really smug cat. I want to call it Bishop Brennan and give it a reet good kicking, then hug it and tenderly feed it a bag of Dreamies as it gently purrs? Squawks? …Grouses? …whatever sound a happy bird in a mask makes. Now I really want to know. Basically, it’s that right kind of irritating, and I love it.

The main purpose of Fancy, of course, is to Fling its Petaya Berry at Anaconda, giving her +1 Special Attack and allowing her to use Belch for massive damage [citation needed]. She’s very good at doing this, and then immediately getting KOed. Unfortunately, though not as bad as Seviper, Hawlucha is less useful than an actual bird in a fancy costume. Its Sky Drop, despite having STAB and maximum investment, does not let the whole world feel it. Sky Drop does pitiful damage, but I needed the investment to secure some random KOs for the other team members, like Mega Kangaskhan which, if I remember rightly, is always KOed by Sky Drop and +1 Belch. That said, the main point of Sky Drop is for removing Seviper’s threats from the field for a turn. Pretty useful right? The other move is Encore, which is brilliant and really quite fitting. Iggy probably does a lot of Encores, after all. I mean, can you name a song of hers other than Fancy? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Crawling– Linkin Park
“There’s something inside of me that pulls beneath the surface… CONSUMING!!! CONFUSING!!!!”
Gengar (F) @ Gengarite
Ability: Levitate/Shadow Tag
EVs: I completely forgot and only remember 252 HP
Timid Nature
– Shadow Ball
– Will-O-Wisp
– Disable
– Protect

After building around Seviper and Hawlucha, I quickly realised that Gengar was the best Mega to pair them with. Shadow Tag, Encore and Disable hilarity combined so well, and Gengar really dealt with the huge Kangaskhan weakness the other two Pokemon suffer from. It also offered the momentum necessary to actually pull off the whole berry toss charade.

The name, I just thought was kind of funny. Like Linkin Park, Mega-Gengar is something 13-year-old emo kids cry themselves to sleep over. They’re so deep and hurt and resentful and go away dad I hate you oh you’re getting fish and chips? Nnrrrrrrrgggghh now I’m going to grumpily flail my arms and tut loudly, so you know I’m hormonal, and then I’ll mock-begrudgingly eat my fish and chips. I mean, everybody’s been there, right? Right? Anyway, my point is, nobody understands your average angsty Linkin Park listener, except literally every music industry executive ever. Everyone likes Linkin Park when they’re a kid and haven’t listened to any proper music. Likewise, early on in X and Y everyone stupid thought Mega Gengar would be a big deal and have a huge effect on the metagame, but it turned out to be a gimmick that pretty much only idiots lose to. Like Linkin Park, Mega Gengar is a hollow instrument of finely-tuned and squarely-aimed crass obnoxiousness. As such, I love them. I have to confess: “In The End” makes me shake my booty like an intergalactic flying space whale, and that is a sight to behold. On another note, Mega Gengar crawls. So I called it “Crawling”. That’s objectively funny. Possibly.

Either way, Gengar’s really quite simple. I use her to help lock down the opponent and let my Anaconda wreak havoc on unsuspecting, non-Poison-resistant Pokémon which, if I weren’t using this stupid snake, I would instead be KOing with a Sludge Bomb. However, now isn’t time for Gengar to shine. This is Nicki’s team, so Gengar has to shut up and put up. Seviper’s Angelina, she Jennifer. And Brad… something. Look, I like that song, okay? I can’t help it.

Smack My Blissey Up– Salamence
“Change my pitch up! Smack my… blissey up! Yeah honest, it says that. I think Keith Flint’s a big Pokémon fan or something. Yeah, that was definitely it.”
Salamence (F) @ Haban Berry
Ability: Intimidate
EVs: 4 HP / 252 Special Attack / 252 Speed
Modest Nature
– Draco Meteor
– Dragon Pulse
– Flamethrower
– Protect

What? That’s what the song’s called, I swear on me mam’s life. Ha, got you, I had my fingers crossed. Wait… what do you mean, that’s not how it works? I thought if you crossed your fingers, it didn’t count…? Oh, God. Muuuuuuuuuum!

Well, implied misogyny aside, it is a classic tune from what is quite clearly one of the best albums ever made. As far as I’m concerned, if you say you dislike the Fat of the Land, you’re lying. Everybody likes the Fat of the Land. Apart from people who don’t like casual sexism. Ah well. At least that crab on the album cover seems to be enjoying himself. I think it’s time to change the subject.

Basically, I needed an Intimidate user, and I already had this thing EVed. So I threw it on the team. Otherwise, Talonflame would quite simply be an instant loss for my poor Hawlucha, Seviper, and Gengar core. Choice Band Talonflame one hit KOs all three of them, and they can’t really do anything back. Talonflame, it has to be said, is the micturition on my bonfire.

I gave it a Haban Berry because I had one, and yeah. My actual reason for giving my Salamence a Haban Berry was that I’m pretty sure it’s based on a medlar fruit, and those always make me laugh because there’s this scene in Romeo and Juliet where some guy says a medlar looks like a certain body part, it’s like… Shakespeare, mate, look. Come off it. If I had one that looked like an apple with flaps on the bottom, I’d go see the doctor. Or, at the very least, get it on Channel 4’s flagship drama Embarrassing Bodies, narrated by Ashley Jensen and starring things best left unseen. So, yeah, really. That is legitimately the reason why I gave my Salamence a Haban Berry. This, my dear reader, is the strategic logic that’s got me into the World Championship finals, and with a Beheeyem, no less. If you’ve never top cut Worlds, this is why: you’re lacking lowbrow humour.

Satisfaction– Benny Benassi
“Push me. And then just touch me. Till I can get my. Satisfaction.”
Garchomp (F) @ Lum Berry
Ability: Rough Skin
EVs: 4 HP / 252 Attack / 252 Speed
Jolly Nature
– Earthquake
– Dragon Claw
– Rock Slide
– Protect

Gee, Zog, what Pokémon do you want to put into our team? The same thing we put into every team, Rhetorical Zog. That shiny Lum Berry Garchomp you’ve used in every bleedin’ team you’ve used since the game came out.

(If you’re playing to win and your team doesn’t include Garchomp, you’re probably daft.)

Horny ‘98– Mousse T and Hot ‘n’ Juicy
“I’m so horny! Horny, horny, horny!”
Rhydon (F) @ Eviolite
Ability: Lightningrod
EVs: 116 HP / 140 Attack / 4 Defence / 244 Special Defence / 4 Speed
Adamant Nature
– Earthquake
– Rock Slide
– Ice Fang
– Protect

You have no idea how hard I laughed when I thought of this name. It amused me so much that I immediately set to hatching one in a Love Ball, and to my amazement the first one hatched shiny and with perfect IVs. I was well chuffed. And the name. Just wow. Rhydon even debuted in 1998, the same year as this abhorrent, hilarious, mindblowingly moronic relic of its decade. So I had to use it in this team, the excuse being I can Encore a Rotom or something into an Electric move, then switch in Lightning Rod Rhydon to take the hit which is definitely a useful move and not just an excuse to Pokémon showboat. Rhydon’s actual main purpose is as a hard counter to Talonflame, and to get rid of stuff like Zapdos and Mega Manectric that would otherwise be a real pain for the rest of the team. I’d say it counters Rotom, but it really doesn’t because it still gets burned by Will-O-Wisp. Then I’d have to run Substitute over Ice Fang, and I really don’t want to because that’d mean running the same thing Ben Gould used, and I’m annoyed at him for pipping my Worlds finish. Like, I can’t even say I’m the UK’s best player anymore because of that. I get World No. 5, and he just has to go and get World No. 4 several years later. He’s even a Northerner, too. And a zoologist. It’s not fair. Since Substitute would only serve to remind me of this harsh, desolate and ultimately funny truth, I have to use Ice Fang. Shhhh. I know it’s stupid, but I’m not budging on this one.

And the complex EV spread? Yeah, I don’t know either. I was going for something but I have no idea what it was. If I was feeling smarmy I’d blag it and pretend I knew exactly what I was doing with those EVs but, truth be told, it’s funnier when I say I have no idea what they’re for. I’ll leave it to you to work it out.

But hey, I’m pretty sure this is the only perfect shiny Love Ball Rhydon in existence. That’s left her feeling lonely, and very horny. Because she’s a rhino, and rhinos have horns. Honestly, that one joke could keep me entertained for months.

Showstopper Challenge: Very Berry Burping Snake served with a Gimmick Compote

And thus, the team of Mary Berry and the Great British Snake-Off was completed. It’s a veritable medley of poorly-conceived flavours and textures. Like Skrillex at a funeral, this team is impossible to take seriously. It’s stupid, it’s pointless, and it’s ultimately useless., but I managed to pull off exactly what I wanted to do. Using this team is so, so much fun. Somehow, through handicapping myself with this godawful, lovingly baked serpentine catastrophe, I was enjoying myself. My rating on the Battle Spot was terrible, obviously – hovering mostly around 1650. Which, let’s be honest, is pretty good for a VGC-legal Seviper team on ranked Doubles. Call me a masochist, but facing off against and defeating hordes of noobs with a flimsy burping snake… honestly, it’s not a bad way to spend your time. To destroy with a team as gormless as this really takes some big plays, and that alone makes it a good laugh to mess around with.

So I think, the moral of this story is, if you’re feeling disenchanted with whatever it is you’re doing, maybe it’s a good idea to drop all your inhibitions and try it again in a fresher light. I was kind of sick of this year’s rather boring Pokémon metagame, and at the same time feeling a little bit of the old academic ennui. How better to sort that out than make both my work and Pokémon fun again? Sorted!

Pokémon’s good fun when it’s good, but especially this year it’s easy to get tired of how samey all of the good teams are. This year’s not really been about strategy so much as “Don’t be weak to x, y and z”, which almost inevitably leads to successful teams looking really similar. But then you have Se Jun breaking his way to the top with something weird and wonderful that hardly anyone’s seen before. Se Jun’s actually quite incredible, and his rare combination of skill and freshness makes him probably the most exotic player in the game today – definitely my favourite opponent to get online in the dozen or so times I’ve played him in the past few years. I’d remembered his Hangul from playing him repeatedly at Worlds 2011, when he kept challenging me over and over till he beat me, which I think took six or seven games. So of course I’d remember him! It’s players like Se Jun make it to the top of the pack because they aren’t just playing the metagame: they’re breaking it. If you want to cut your teeth as one of the best players in the world, I think the only way to make that happen is to know as much about the game as possible and be capable of making your own strategies. And a good way to practise that is to do something like I did with this team: challenge yourself to come up with a stupid, but workable, completely gimmicky idea, and then win games with it. It’ll help you get used to inventing new ideas, and the increased difficulty means you’ll improve in your gameplay too. Like, my Seviper team is all about timing and combining moves together. It’s incredibly hard to use and even harder to win with, which makes it good for practising. So go forth, and spread terrible ideas! If you try hard enough, some of them might even work, and you’ll be a much happier player for it.

Star Baker? That’d be me, obviously. Well done Zog, you made a sumptuous sausage roll, and Paul especially enjoyed the taste of your cherry Bakewells. But I’m afraid, the baker we won’t be seeing next week is Seviper. Seviper, you were awful. Your stats are naff, and your etiquette leaves something to be desired. Go and sit with Jo Brand for your last 5 minutes of fame, you slithery little plonker.

I’ll leave you with a few videos of the best battles I had, should you feel like watching! These games really had me laughing. My Anaconda don’t get none, but least she had fun, hun!

• BW4G-WWWW-WWW9-ZAY7– Seviper is an appendage “bigger than a tower, and I ain’t talkin’ Eiffel”. Yeah, the ending of this game is a thing of beauty.
• XPMG-WWWW-WWW9-ZAYA– Every snake has his day. This was this snake’s day. I love/hate you, Seviper.
• AHQG-WWWW-WWW9-ZAGG– Seviper learns table manners; hilarity ensues.
• JGWW-WWWW-WWW9-ZAGJ– Snake? …Snake?! Snaaaaaaaa- orrr blimey mate I almost babbed meself, thank God you’re alright.

About the Author

Zog A veteran tournament player, Daniel "Zog" Nolan is proud of his no-nonsense attitude and silly sense of humour. When he's actually doing work, Zog likes to hide toy snakes in the wilderness (and other decidedly more lab-based activities) in the name of scientific progress. Follow on Instagram at dan_z_nolan and Twitter @Zoggykins!

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