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Published on January 22nd, 2015 | by Zog

34

Let’s Go Down to the Battle Spot (And Talk it Up Like Yeah): Playing to Win Online

“But every game’s like turn one Fake Out, Tailwind on Suicune
Rock Slide, Choice Scarf, prayin’ it’ll flinch soon,
We don’t care, we’re running Camerupt and ice creams.

But everybody’s like Prankster, Thunder Wave, spam it for the paralyse
Brave Bird, Heatran, tigers on their cloud feet.
We don’t care, like my Bibarel we’re Unaware.”

“And we’ll never be boring (boooooring)
We’re having fun just like we should,
Mega Kangaskhan just ain’t for us.
We’re more into stuff like Mandibuzz.
Let’s just say that I’m cooler (cooooler),
I’d even use a male Combee
And baby I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m cool.
Let me live that fantasy.”

This whole time I’ve secretly been Lorde. How’s that for a kooky and hilarious and definitely not completely unfunny plot twist?

Actually no, sadly, I’m going to talk about Pokémon again. It’s the new season, and I’ve been doing my best to get to grips with it online. So I thought I’d write a thing about my practising and teambuilding, and I hope you enjoy it.

Let’s Go Down to the Battle Spot, and Talk it Up like Yeah

There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to competitive Pokémon, and I think it’s important that I address some of them firmly.

You get a lot of people who’ll just slap a whole load of legendaries and high-stat Pokémon onto a team, because they think that it’ll make them more likely to win. Whatever Smogon says is a strong Pokémon, they’ll throw it on their team because it’ll definitely make them win, right? People just going with what they’re told is cool, like those guys that wear their dad’s Rolex and Jack Wills polo shirts, silently head-bobbing to Rick Ross, doing naughty things whilst taking a selfie. You know, the decadent and debauched youth of today. Shallow, stupid people, right? Yeah, sure, if they really exist. But you know what’s really shallow and stupid? Getting mad at people for playing to win, in, you know, a Pokémon tournament. Where you only get stuff for winning. Legendaries, pseudo-legendaries, the biggest Mega Evolutions, why are they popular? They have the most stats and options, so it’s easier to win with them.

That’s the bottom line when it comes to winning: you have to have more options than your opponent. Losing is easy. The option’s always there: all you need to do is press the “Run” button. Winning is more difficult. To win, you have to KO all four of your opponent’s Pokémon. How you go about it’s up to you, but that’s what you have to do to win. If you lose the option to win, you lose the game. So, if you want to win, your team has to have an answer to as many situations as possible. For example: Mega Kangaskhan, the most popular Mega Evolution, is fast, can take a few hits, and can potentially at least two-hit KO every Pokémon in the game. If an enemy Kangaskhan has an uncommon move like Crunch or Fire Punch, your counter’s less use than Gary Glitter at a birthday party. Meanwhile, Mega Heracross, if your opponent has a Talonflame, is 100% done for. A sucked and spat-out Smartie. The Pokémon that usually win are the ones that have a chance against everything, and don’t care what your opponent’s using.

Which is what a lot of this boils down to: having had the chance to win. Look at it this way: are you playing in these tournaments to win, or are you playing to enjoy yourself? For me, those are the same thing. I love playing VGC because each game’s a puzzle; it’s about being given the pieces and finding a solution where I win. The games I don’t win? There’s always a way I could’ve won them. Maybe it was legitimately a luck thing, but there’s always a way in which I could’ve won and usually a way in which I could’ve played better. So I use Pokémon like Landorus and Thundurus, “boring” Pokémon that have an answer to virtually anything.

You can use Simple Beam, Trick Room Audino combined with Minimize, Curse Muk and Psych Up Rotom-Fan as much as you like. But that’s what you’ll be using: Simple Beam, Trick Room Audino combined with Minimize, Curse Muk and Psych Up Rotom-Fan, every game. Well done, you put together a fancy little Pokémon-based Lego set. Everyone thinks you’re very clever. Then your opponent Taunts you and you’ve literally no chance of winning. You’re suddenly Louie Spence in a homophobic Mordor, and it’s entirely your fault.  But hey, you’re unusual, right? I’m sure your opponent had a great time seeing that quirky and interesting setup. And that’s the important part: “your opponent”. They’re playing it once. You’re playing with that team every game, and to win it has to do the exact same thing every time. Surely that’s closer to the definition of boring than having the same Pokémon as other people? Whose opinion do you care more about, yours or your opponent’s?

Like Lorde’s alleged subversiveness (i.e. angsting and not caring about expensive things by writing a song about them), refusing to use popular Pokémon because they’re popular is just another, even more limited, way of conforming. Consciously avoiding something because it’s popular only reinforces insecurity. Likewise having a waxed moustache and riding a unicycle isn’t unconventional; it’s just another set of even stricter conventions, and it also makes you a jerk. Look at Christmas 2009, when dumb people Raged Against the Machine by doing the exact same thing, to prove that there are more of the “I’m going to buy Killing in the Name because Facebook told me to” kind of idiot than the “I’m going to buy the X Factor single because the telly told me to” kind of idiot. Because nothing ticks off authority more than giving it your money. And, you know, buying a T-shirt at the mall is countercultural so long as it’s black and has a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog. Jeez, people can be stupid.

So, what I’m saying is, if you want to be a competent player (and this applies to more than Pokémon), be conscious and critical of what you’re doing. Be a strong, independent person and make your own decisions; express your own reasoned judgments and don’t care what other people think about them. Don’t be a consumer, or a Hot Topic anarchist. Respect is earned, and not given. Nothing great ever came from following instructions. I don’t care if you’re using Heliolisk or Hydreigon, all I ask for is that you give me a good fight. Nobody wants to shoot Old Yeller.

But hey, that’s enough about me and what I play for. How about some Pokémon?

Sir Mix-a-Lot

I have a confession to make. I like big …butts? What, why’d you think of that? I mean, I don’t mind them now you mention it, but no, let’s avoid the cheesy jokes. What I like is a big selection of Pokémon to use, and I cannot lie. Sorry. When I’m playing online, I’ll basically have a whole box of stuff to use and end up changing my team constantly depending on how it’s doing. I won’t be giving you a team here, just a selection of the sets I’ve been using, and what roles they’ve been filling.

When I put a team together, I have a general rule of it needing to have two complementing Mega Evolutions, and preferably three each of Physical and Special attackers. It needs to have a Rock Slide user, some form of Speed control, and an Intimidate. I need to have leads capable of dealing with Kangashan/Smeargle, Kangaskhan/Thundurus, Politoed/Ludicolo, and Kangaskhan/Bisharp, all easily-telegraphed yet dangerous leads that’ll take you down if you aren’t careful. And I have to have an answer to every Pokémon I can think of. It took a long time to find something that fit my little list of criteria. As you can imagine, I went through a lot of Pokémon. I’ll exclude the EV spreads, firstly because I’d like to encourage you to make your own, and secondly because I haven’t a blooming clue what half of them were anyway. Hot mess, me.

Mega Evolutions

So, the first place to start is your Mega Evolutions. They’re going to be your most powerful Pokémon, so you might as well focus the team around them. First off, I had to have a go with Mega Salamence.

Like A G6- Far East Movement
“Now I’m feeling so fly, like a G6!”
Salamence @ Salamencite
Ability: Intimidate/Aerilate
Timid Nature
– Draco Meteor
– Hyper Voice
– Flamethrower
– Protect

See, this is exactly what Lorde’s moaning about. You guys, I’m so cool! I’m so fly like that Gulfstream aeroplane, get it? Because aeroplanes fly and it’s expensive! But really I mean “fly” as in, stylish! Word-plaaaay! Look I’m drinking loads of expensive wine, popping bottles in the ice like a blizzard! Wait, B-blizzard..?! Oh…

My Salamence is “feeling so Fly”-ing type, its Hyper Voice 2HKOs pretty much everything in the game. And exactly that. 2HKO. Then it gets KOed by the things it didn’t KO. This is why special Mega Salamence is better off finishing things, or backed up by Helping Hand. Basically, it sucked, and I need a better set for it.

It’s pretty facile to look at Mega Salamence and think it’s similar to the normal form, which is essentially what I did. Easy mistake to make, grave consequences. Like mixing up Louis and Lance Armstrong. Pol Pot and Paul Potts.

Spitfire- The Prodigy
“’Cause you know that I can”
Charizard @ Charizardite Y
Ability: Blaze/Drought
Modest Nature
– Overheat
– Heat Wave
– Solarbeam
– Protect

You know the drill. Charizard is just good, so long as you beat its counters, and is a valuable way of easily stopping Rain teams, the bane of all that is good in the world.

I rage-dropped him after losing at 1890 rating to a double Heat Wave miss, but that was kind of the point. 90% Accuracy moves are bad for your health, so I decided to go for something that wasn’t going to do my head in, and 10% misses do my head in like a little kid with a whistle lolly.

X Rated- Excision
“Explicit expert, the highly exalted, I exercise dancefloors, leave ‘em exhausted”
Metagross @ Metagrossite
Ability: Clear Body/Tough Claws
Jolly Nature
– Iron Head
– Ice Punch/Zen Headbutt
– Bullet Punch
– Protect

I’ll be honest. Mega Metagross is pretty bad. I’m sure people’ll make it work eventually, but right now the standard Jolly set is just plain bad. It gets walloped by Bisharp, Fire-types, even Rotom, hence changing to Zen Headbutt. Plus, it isn’t even that strong; when you get used to OHKOing everything with Mawile, it spoils you a little.

So Mega Metagross didn’t last long. Love the name though, it’s absolutely perfect. Had that one saved for a while!

Midnight City- M83
“The city is my church, it wraps me in sparkling twilight”
Gallade @ Galladite
Ability: Steadfast/Inner Focus
Jolly Nature
– Close Combat
– Psycho Cut
– Ice Punch
– Protect

Seemed fairly promising, but, like a Poundland sandwich, low expectations still managed to disappoint. Gallade’s a bit posh, seems like a bit of a lad. Hence he’s named after the Made in Chelsea theme tune (and shiny in a Moon Ball!).

Loads of fun to use with Helping Hand Close Combat, but alas its weakness to Talonflame and being paralysed makes him kind of trashy. I’m sure it’ll find a niche later on in the metagame, and I’d strongly encourage you to work one out, but for now this lad can go back to the Nando’s from whence he came.

Me and You- Nero
“Are you ready? Do you know? I feel it, too!”
Kangaskhan @ Kangaskhanite
Ability: Scrappy/Parental Bond
Adamant Nature
– Return
– Fake Out
– Sucker Punch
– Power-Up Punch/Low Kick

Okay, I sold out. I went for single Mega and Kangaskhan, no less. There’s no avoiding the fact that Kangaskhan is yet again on paper the best Mega in the game, especially now that everyone wants to play with the new stuff, which happens to mostly be weak to Kangaskhan.
It’s especially strong right now because everyone’s scared to pack loads of Intimidate thanks to that buzzkill Bisharp, who as far as I’m concerned is at a party and pulling out Monopoly.

Otherwise, this is just your usual Kangaskhan. Adamant and Low Kick are important to OHKO less bulky enemy Kangaskhan and Heatran. Hopefully, people will start properly countering Kangaskhan like they did last year, but it’s a little harder since a lot of the old 5th gen favourites are weak to it.

So hey, Kangaskhan ended up being my only Mega. How exciting.

Support Role

It’s all well and good having loads of attackers, but they need support if you’re going to be consistent. Time for some support mons.

Pink and Blue- Hannah Diamond
“We look good, in pink and blue! You love me! …maybe it’s true?”
Cresselia @ Sitrus Berry
Ability: Levitate
Calm Nature
– Psychic
– Icy Wind
– Thunder Wave
– Helping Hand

Like gender roles and Bruce Forsyth, Cresselia just won’t die.

But it also barely does anything. Hannah Diamond’s most (relatively) famous, upbeat, and utterly disturbing tune is a befitting moniker for the strange and awkward banana duck; a Pokémon that’s never made sense. What even is it? Why is it always female?

It’s some kind of awful focus-tested abomination, as if Game Freak were told they needed to make a legendary Pokémon for girls. An uncanny, floating, sparkly pile of vomit. As such, I love the bloody thing. This is literally the same set as I used in 2013 and, basically, it kept getting steamrolled by the now-common Kangaskhan, Bisharp, and Specs Hydreigon so I replaced it with…

Saltwater- Chicane
“Fol lol the doh fol the day!”
Suicune @ Leftovers
Ability: Pressure
Bold Nature
– Scald
– Ice Beam
– Tailwind
– Protect

Oh, memories. Before I actually became a zoologist- like, when I was like five, my mum and dad would take me to the aquarium on quiet days and me and the brother would repeatedly ride the conveyor belt through the glass tunnel and watch the sharks and rays, the speakers alternating between this song and Enya’s Orinoco Flow. “Look, a stingray!”, the plebs would bleat. “Can you not? That’s a skate, you [yamsing] clown”, my five-year-old self would judge. Now it’s “Look, a Nemo!” and it’s usually me saying it. Because I’m subversive and hilarious.

Suicune’s always had a place in my heart. From that fateful day in 2001 when, in the car park outside the Halifax Chicken Hut, I found “the tentacle cow in t’ Pojo magazine”, I’ve had a soft spot. To the extent that (don’t laugh) I once brought a Sheer Cold Suicune to Worlds. And, in fairness, it’s not even that bad. Pretty good, even. I just found it got wrecked too easily by Kangaskhan and Electric-types. So I dropped it for…

Forgive Me- Infected Mushroom
“Can you show me one more time, just where to go?”
Amoonguss @ Rocky Helmet
Ability: Regenerator
Sassy Nature
– Giga Drain
– Spore
– Rage Powder
– Protect

Oh look, it’s the exact same Amoonguss I’ve had for over a year. Sorry for the boring analysis. I hope you’ll Forgive Me. Ugh.
He’s for dealing with Rain teams (especially Mega Swampert teams, which I hate with a passion) and Bisharps (which I also hate with a passion). You know what he does. So, how about some of my attackers?

Physical Attackers

Nightcall- Kavinsky
“There’s something inside you. It’s hard to explain. They’re talking about you, boy. But you’re still the same.”
Bisharp @ Life Orb
Ability: Defiant
Adamant Nature
– Iron Head
– Sucker Punch
– Assurance
– Protect

What’s that? Look, I might hate playing against Bisharp but that doesn’t mean I’ve always cared about inflicting it upon other people.

The name just kinda goes. People think Bisharp’s got a new lease on life now that there’s a lot more Intimidate about. It is, in reality, just as terrible as before. Bisharp, however it’s played, encourages risk-taking and throws games down to chance. Defiant and its absurdly powerful Sucker Punch (which fails to have a guaranteed OHKO on Landorus-T at +1, a big deal) essentially puts a lot of games down to “Well Sucker Punch KOs either of his guys, but both threaten Bisharp, attack the obvious one or predict Protect? Who knows what he’ll do, YOLO”. If you’re screenwatching and know what your opponent’s doing, that’s fine. But screenwatching is naughty.

Essentially, Bisharp is for scrubs so don’t use it unless you’re okay with losing a lot of games to predicting wrong. I think it’ll die out as the metagame matures.

Big Boss- Doctor P
“Alright, here we go!”
Landorus-T @ Choice Scarf
Ability: Intimidate
Adamant Nature
– Earthquake
– Superpower
– U-Turn
– Rock Slide

It’s only fair that terrible, brainless, wonderfully danceable dubstep becomes the namesake for Choice Scarf spray-and-pray. Choice Scarf Landorus-T is “Hah, sorry” the Pokémon. “Hah, sorry” in this context meaning “YES!!! YES!!!!!” or “I have no empathy for other human beings, whatsoever”. I confess, I have been caught shouting at my Choice Scarf Rock Slide “FLINCH IT!!! FLINCH IT!!! YESSS!!!!!” at Nationals. This makes me either passionate, an absolute wiener, or both.

It’s just a good Pokémon. I like Landorus.

Special Attackers

Since I had Landorus and Kangaskhan in basically every game I only needed those two on the team, really. So I had loads of choices for Special attackers!

Golden Brown- The Stranglers
“Never a frown, with Golden Brown”
Raikou @ Shuca Berry
Ability: Pressure
Timid Nature
– Thunderbolt
– Hidden Power (Ice)
– Snarl
– Protect

Ah, nothing says “Raikou” like the colour of a Greggs sausage roll. That’s what the song’s about, right? I’m assuming those are what the British Empire was bringing back from India, anyway.

Raikou’s better than you’d think, but I got critical hit through Snarl enough times to go cold turkey and get my hands on some sweet, sweet black-tar Thundurus.

Hurt- Yung Lean
“I’mma make you hurt, I’mma I’mma make you hurt”
Thundurus @ Sitrus Berry
Ability: Prankster
Modest Nature
– Thunderbolt
– Hidden Power (Ice)
– Thunder Wave
– Taunt

There’s something vaguely menacing about a peachy-faced lad in a bucket hat waggling his Pokémon lotion (???) and mumbling about how he wants to hurt you. Why is he going on about drugs when it’s past his bedtime? And was that later line literally a shoehorned-in rhyme for Murakami? Don’t you lie to me Yung Lean, I’m pretty sure it was. I can tell when you’re lying because you do that thing with your face. Ooh… he’s going red! He’s going red!

Thundurus is named Hurt because, well, firstly I can really imagine it waggling its finger condescendingly. Secondly, it’s my Taunt user, and he’s meant to put a stop to any of the absolute nonsense I’d been seeing on the Battle Spot. Stuff like Minimize Chansey, Stockpile Cradily, that kind of thing. As far as I’m concerned, people who bring that stuff to the Battle Spot ought to be lined up and shot. You know, like Paul Potts did in the Killing Fields of Cambodia. Oh… whoops. See I told you, easy mistake to make.

Anyway, I’m on here to practise for tournaments. You can’t use a minimize stall team in a tournament and every game when one takes 45 minutes. Like the Discovery Channel, it’s neither fun nor educational.

I don’t really care about my opponent getting fully Paralysed because firstly I’m using Thunder Wave for the Speed control, and also because I’m inconsiderate and want to make you into a Sad Boy.

Resistance- Knife Party
“This… is a knife!”
Aegislash @ Leftovers
Ability: Stance Change
Modest Nature
– Flash Cannon
– Shadow Ball
– Wide Guard
– King’s Shield

That’s not a knife. This… is a knife. Aegislash is what I call a “buffer mon”. This is, if you’re winning, Aegislash makes you win more. If you’re losing, it isn’t much good, but it’s great for random switches, and Wide Guard is top when the metagame’s full of spread moves.

I found, though, that especially against Bisharp and Talonflame, Aegislash just wasn’t cutting it. I needed a more offensive Steel-type that didn’t get KOed by Kangaskhan.

Light ‘Em Up- Fall Out Boy
“Light ‘em up up up light ‘em up up up light ‘em up up up I’m on fiyaaaa!”
Heatran @ Chople Berry
Ability: Flash Fire
Modest Nature
– Overheat
– Heat Wave
– Flash Cannon
– Protect

I love shiny Heatran! It’s my favourite legendary. Thanks to Werford for trading me his, and giving it this beautiful name. It’s just kind of inherently funny and the song makes me think of my mum and her awful taste in music.

Chople Berry is the real key to this set, and I’m amazed that I don’t see it more often. It’s so good. Basically Heatran is my catch-all counter to Charizard Y and Fairy-types, and it does a stellar job of it. Simple, quality Pokémon.

But, I was having pretty major problems with Rotom and Bisharp, so I added in the next guy.

Radioactive- Imagine Dragons
“Welcome to the new age, to the new age”
Hydreigon @ Choice Specs
Ability: Levitate
Timid Nature
– Draco Meteor
– Dragon Pulse
– Dark Pulse
– Flamethrower

Classic brainless Choice Specs Hydreigon from the new Linkin Park. New Linkin Park since they’re doing Transformers now, with dinosaurs and Marky Mark. Timid because I didn’t breed it, Ninjames did and he wanted to beat other Hydreigon. On the plus side, though, it means my stupid dragon outspeeds Kangaskhan that have gone Adamant for the KO on mirrors.

Otherwise it’s pretty simple. Standard “tank and spank” Hydreigon, that thrives on not being the focus of the opponent’s attention.
So, plenty of Pokémon to get through! There were a few more, like a Milotic and Sylveon, but I didn’t use them enough to make a proper comment. Let’s have some battle videos. I won’t say much about them, though. You’re supposed to like, work out what’s happening for yourself. That, and I can’t be bothered writing a description. They’re good, though.

It Looked Alright in the Battle Videos

Here’s some battles. Enjoy watching!

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR? (Vs. Russian)

R9CW-WWWW-WWXW-4CYR

Giving him Aaron for his money (Vs. Cybertron)

GEUW-WWWW-WWXW-8LCE

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

JS2W-WWWW-WWXW-8MGJ

I forgot to Mega Evolve and Aegislash just can’t Let It Go

6VCG-WWWW-WWXW-8Z3H

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

UQMW-WWWW-WWXW-8ZVE

Hail to the king, baby!

K53G-WWWW-WWXW-8Q44

This is ParaPara

HNDW-WWWW-WWXW-8RN4

So, that’s a little Battle Spot for you. Whether you’re the class clown or the beauty queen in tears I hope you’ve enjoyed reading and watching. See you next time!

About the Author

Zog A veteran tournament player, Daniel "Zog" Nolan is proud of his no-nonsense attitude and silly sense of humour. When he's actually doing work, Zog likes to hide toy snakes in the wilderness (and other decidedly more lab-based activities) in the name of scientific progress. Follow on Instagram at dan_z_nolan and Twitter @Zoggykins!

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