Articles

Published on September 9th, 2013 | by Kinneas

12

NPA News Issue 2: News Harder

Welcome to NPA News! We are two weeks into the NPA Season and have a whole lot to talk about. In this upcoming issue we take a look at what happened in the draft, see which players are hot and which are not, then close out the issue with a look at standings for each division.

A lot has happened in the past fortnight: there’ve been bust ups in locker rooms, arrests on the magnet train, and failed vitamin tests for players. But before we get into any of that, let’s take a look at what went down before the matches began.

This week’s power rankings are sponsored by the Celestic Stars. Get your matches done on time and still have energy to taunt your opponents with a cup of Celestic Coffee!

*Side effects may include narcolepsy, high blood pressure and death.  

5. Greysong

Greysong sort of drifted by in the draft without anyone taking too much notice. He was the Ninja’s fifth pick and came in the middle of a burst of three quick picks which saw the Ninjas fill out their roster. While the Ninjas lost the first match up in a close 3-2 series with the Fallarbor Flames, Greysong picked up a win versus Gene. Week 2 he made a real statement by defeating the Castelia Cones’ star signing Ben Kyriakou in a match that tied up the series at 1-1.

Zheng Rating: He’s a great guy.

4. Braindead Primeape

Braindead Primeape started out strong by defeating Jio 2-0 in the first week, helping the Chargers to a close victory over the Castelia Cones. While he went on to earn his second straight victory against Toazdt of the Celestic Stars, it wasn’t enough to earn his team the win.

While we’re on the subject of The Sunyshore Chargers, manager PrettyLittleLiar is continuing on his semi-fabricated tirade against the Hearthome Holy Spirits. He was recently spotted in the crowd shouting angrily towards the Spirits dugouts during their match against the Fortree Brave Birds. Spirits manager Ray Rizzo declined to comment, but is reportedly praying for peace between the two teams.

Zheng Rating: He has team presence.

3. Osirus

Osirus is two for two so far in the NPA. There’s nobody hotter than the Fallarbor (or is that Fallarbour?) Flames star. Some would argue that Lee Provost has yet to be tested against top talent in the NPA, having defeated two of the very last draft picks for opposing teams, but he has still delivered convincing wins both weeks so far.

The Flames have been criticized in recent weeks for their unique player wage structure. With their players on “pay by post count” contracts, manager Feathers selected players who are rarely seen on the Nugget Bridge Forums. The money saved by underpaying players has been funneled straight back into the Flames art budget, and they recently unveiled a brand new banner commissioned by a Canadian artist.

Zheng Rating: He’s a great guy who has team presence.

2. R Inanimate

R Inanimate is living up to the hype surrounding him after becoming the Seafoam Islanders’ first pick of the draft. He’s already defeated the Mossdeep Rockets’ first pick Kingofmars and Mistralton Jets’ player Scott. R Inanimate looks unstoppable, as do the rest of the Islanders as they go into week 3 with a 2-0 record after their easy win over the Mistralton Jets. It seems that makiri’s trash talk in the Quackcast did nothing but fire up the Islanders.

Zheng Rating: He’s a great guy. Hey, can I get that Korean girl’s real number this time?

1. The Celestic Stars

The Stars became the first team to achieve a 2-0 record in week 2 by defeating the Sunyshore Chargers 3-2. What’s really unique about The Stars is that every single win so far in their campaign has been earned by a different member of their roster. While Human and Massi fell short week 1, their team mates were there to pick up the wins against the Goldenrod Rollouts. Snake sat out week 2 and made way for Demitri, who defeated the Chargers’ #1 pick Ryuzaki despite being the Stars’ last pick. Human and Massi also picked up wins while Benji and Toazdt struggled against dtrain and an in form Braindead Primeape. The Stars epitomize team work in the NPA and are looking impressive going into their week 3 match up against the Fuchsia Ninjas.

But it’s not all starry for the Celestic team. Authorities were forced to step in when young Stars player Snake failed a pre-match drugs test at the beginning of week 2. Test results showed that he proved positive for an illegal form of stat boosting vitamin known colloquially on the streets as “float stones”. Our undercover reporters can also confirm that Snake had been getting his fix from none other than Fortree Brave Birds manager Zach! The two were overhead by Commissioner Biosci attempting to make a trade at a recent charity dinner for bankrupt past NPA players, such as Gec, Evan Falco and Ninahaza. We recorded the following conversation:

[6:54:36 PM] Snake: zach i need float stones
[6:57:50 PM] William Hall: is that code for *******
[6:58:03 PM] Snake: yes
[6:58:21 PM] William Hall: npa news scandel
[6:58:31 PM] William Hall: manager giving drugs to ruin stars player

Snake was banned from competing for the remainder of week two and forced to attend Vitamin Junkies Anonymous meetings to help kick his drug habit. The Stars are hoping he will be back for the start of week three. We here at NPA News wish him a speedy recovery.

Zheng Rating: Great guys who all have team presence.

Not every player or team can get off to the perfect start. Here’s five who have really struggled to get any forward momentum going so far in the NPA.

5. Kyriakou

Nobody was surprised when Ben became the first UK player to be drafted right at the end of the first round, but he’s struggled to find any form in the first two weeks of matches. He’s currently being outclassed by a host of British talent that was selected much later on in the draft: Baz Anderson, Osirus, Plusle, and Kyriakou’s Castelia Cones teammate bcaralarm have managed to pick up wins. Even worse, he’s being outclassed by British players with no talent at all like Zog.

He’s not the only Cones player struggling either, the team as a unit seems unable to string together a series of wins. They head in to week 3 with a 0-2 record after their recent loss to the Fuchsia Ninjas, with bcaralarm looking like the only in form player on the roster.

Step it up, cones.

4. Kingofmars (and kongs)

One thing this guy isn’t king of at the moment is winning. The Mossdeep Rockets’ first round pick actively took part in his team’s undoing at the hands of the Seafoam Islanders who recorded the largest win of the NPA so far at 4-1. Things haven’t gotten any better for Kingofmars as he lost in a 2-0 series to the Gamblers’ JTK the following week. The Rockets go into week 3 with an 0-2 record after Hagrid Twin put the final nail in the coffin, defeating Calm Lava and sending the Gamblers and the Rockets to opposite ends of the division table.

It’s our belief that the Mossdeep Rockets are being punished for not drafting Gec like they promised they would. Maybe if they had, they wouldn’t be tanking so hard.

3. Scott

Perhaps too much time at the announcers desk and not enough time behind a DS is the reason that the Mistraltron Jets have been firing blanks so far this season: the casting duo of Scott Glaza and Aaron Zheng have yet to record a win between them. In his defence, Scott did face off against R Inanimate this week, who so far looks like one of the best pick ups in the entire league. I’m sure Scott and his manager makiri will both be disappointed with his performance so far this season, but he’s not the kind of player who will let it get to him. Expect him to turn things around next week if he isn’t already sitting on the sidelines.

Unfortunately, things are looking bleak for the Jets who just lost a painful series against the Seafoam Islanders, putting them at 0-2 heading into week 3. A lot of people are in shock at the Jets’ form since so many were praising makiri’s amazing draft strategy at the beginning of the season. It just goes to show that pick order doesn’t mean anything once the matches begin.

2. Fortree Brave Birds

It’s difficult to pin the blame on any one Brave Bird. The players have had a pretty lacklustre start to the season, but nobody really stands out as being particularly poor. One person who has gone out of his way to make headlines though is Brave Birds Manager Zach. The first week of matches were overshadowed for the Brave Birds by Zach sneaking into the Gamblers’ training grounds and spying on players preparing for their matches. After being caught trespassing on the premises, Zach was expelled from the grounds. Things got even worse for the Brave Birds manager when he was then arrested for causing a public disturbance on the Magnet Train and not buying a ticket. Witnesses have reported hearing the manager yelling at Officer Jenny, “Why would I need to buy a ticket for the train? Brave Birds can FLYYYYY!” After testing positive for “Float Stones”, Zach has been formally warned by the NPA Commissioners and banned from public transport in the Johto region.

Zach continued his rage into the second week of matches, and not even his own players were safe from his wrath. A dispute in the Brave Birds locker room turned ugly after a devastating loss to the Hearthome Holy Spirits. Zach blamed Kobra for the team’s loss, he was heard shouting “Snakes can’t be birds, stupid!” and “You’re not a great guy, and you lack team presence!” at Kobra, who was later kicked from the team, despite having a 1-1 record. Zach then re-signed Kobra after being told by Commissioner Biosci that the free agent he wished to sign was ineligible. Less than 24 hours later, Kobra became the first NPA player ever to be kicked from a team twice in one week when he was replaced by TheBattleRoom.

The Brave Birds manager now appears to have calmed down. He has reportedly made amends with all parties involved in the magnet train incident, and praised the Holy Spirits for a well fought series in a recent press conference, but the damage in the Brave Birds locker room may not be so easily repaired.

1. Cybertron

This kid has NOT had a good start to his NPA season. So many had high hopes for the AmaZheng One coming into this season. He was snatched up immediately by makiri, a manager well known for getting the best out of young talent. He gave a memorable performance as a player-caster for the draft alongside his now teammate, and great guy, Scott Glaza. But when it comes to actually performing on the day, Cybertron has seemed distracted. Some might argue that Aaron has been unlucky so far in his matches, but there’s no denying that he has seemed off his game in other ways. Reports from sources close to Aaron have said that distractions off the field are keeping the young star from living up to his potential.

Recently there have been sightings of the Jets player out late partying with Commi$$ioner Duy Ha, who is well known for stacking paper to the ceiling, riding on 24” chrome and getting those hunnies. Cybertron has publicly downplayed rumours of any possible relations with a certain “cute Korean” player on an opposing team. When it comes to his opponents, it seems that the British style of play may be a key weakness in Cybertron’s game: he has recorded losses to UK players Baz Anderson and Zog so far this season. If the Mossdeep Rockets pick up on this, we could be looking at a Plusle vs Cybertron match up in week 3.

NPA Standings: Week 2

About the Author

Kinneas Genius, playboy, philanthropist. Kinneas has been playing competitive Pokémon since before people on the internet even cared. He qualified for the 2010 World Championships after placing 2nd at the UK Nationals, and it doesn't matter how he did at Worlds that year, so don't ask, okay?!

Related Posts

New Mechanics Introduced in VGC 2016 →

VGC ’16 Pokémon Speed Tiers →

Hyper Offense Analysis – BadIntent’s Evil Thoughts →

Greener Grassy Terrain: A More Balanced Future For VGC? →