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Published on September 17th, 2013 | by Kinneas

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NPA News Issue 3: With a Vengeance

Welcome to NPA News Issue 3! We’ve got power rankings, we’ve got exclusive stories, we’ve got it all, man. This week we take an in-depth look at the controversy surrounding the Minor Leagues, or rather, the lack of a Minor League in NPA. Commissioner Duy Ha raised the hopes of those who didn’t make it in the draft by hinting at the formation of a Minor League franchise. The farm league would be used to showcase the talent in the free agent pool, allowing undiscovered players to blossom, but the idea never took form and left notable free agents such as Shaun “Foodking” Tysoe frustrated at the lack of playing time. More on this later, because right now we’re jumping into the HUGE POWER rankings.

This weeks HUGE POWER rankings are brought to you by Raymond’s Chocklate Love!

5. DeagleBeagle 2-0

Deagle took a break from NPA matches in week two to clamp down on jaywalkers in the Modesto area. After a successful week of law enforcement, he then declared himself top of the “Jaywalking Prevention Power Rankings”. Having cleaned up the streets of Modesto, he returned to NPA action in week three, continuing his legendary undefeated streak in the NPA by defeating well known DeagleBeagle impostor Bearsfan092. Deagle was recently involved in a feud with PrettyLittleLiar in which Deagle unfriended the Chargers manager on Facebook for being “disrespectful”. PrettyLittleLiar joins the long list of things which have annoyed Deagle lately, alongside twerking, soggy food, and YouTube changing the placement of the middle screen size button.

4. Lajo 3-0

Lajo leapfrogs Greyson Garren as the Ninja’s power rankings representative this week as Greysong dropped a match to BenjitheGRRRRRREAT. Like his teammate, Lajo has been quietly racking up wins this season without really making any headlines. He was happy to talk to us this week after defeating Demitri in a best of three.

NPA News: Hey Lajo, thanks for doing this interview. Would you like to briefly tell the readers a little bit about yourself and your history as a VGC player before we get into the NPA related questions?

Lajo: Well. I’ve been playing Pokémon since I was six where it all began with Red and Blue, but VGC was a thing I took seriously only since last year. After my first National in Essen 2012, where I did really badly, I improved my skills a lot and made it in the Top 8 this year in Bochum.

NPA News: So you’re currently 3-0 in the NPA. You’ve beaten Fish, Cassie and Demitri so far this season.  How have your matches been so far? Which player has provided the toughest match up for you?

Lajo: Well, my first match against Fish was one of my best match-ups so far since I used my Sun team, which destroys rain teams like his in an instant. Cassie played an interesting team that I had never seen before. Chances were high she may use her Hail Room team, which would put me in a good position again, but some nice surprises like Hidden Power Ground Manectric caught me off-guard, so I struggled a bit against her team.

Demitri was a guy I had no clue what he would use, so I prepared against his Nats and Worlds team and decided not to use my Sun team here. Since most players think I have only that one team, they like to over prepare against it, and using a different team can give me an advantage. This totally worked out against Demitri.

I’ve played good players like Cybertron, Human and Talon in the Summer Scramble or on Pokemon Showdown before and won some games, so I know I have what it takes to go out victorious in all my matches.

NPA News: That leads up nicely to my next question. During the draft, Scott called you a “one trick pony”, but you’ve already shown you are capable of using other teams. What would you say in response to this criticism?

Lajo: Scott knows nothing about me, really. He never watched me play, and he never played against me. If he would have done that he may had realised that I’m not different from guys like Cybertron or him if it comes down to making good choices during a battle. Maybe he will take his words back after the NPA!

NPA News: I should also point out that he went on to say that you seem like a very smart player, so it wasn’t all criticism!

Next week the Ninjas play the Goldenrod Rollouts. Is there anybody on their roster who you think is the best player, or the biggest threat on their roster? Is there anybody who you would like to play against on the Rollouts team?

Lajo: I faced Ben7000 in the summer scramble. Good memories. I won back then. And I see Kamz playing sometimes on Showdown as well, and I know he’s not a guy you can beat so easily. He’s the guy to beat for me, but Ben’s performance until now impressed me. I like to play against strong players, so one of these two as my matchup would be a very good opportunity to show my skills again!

3. Fatum 3-0

During the draft, Scott had this to say about Fatum (Fa-toom? Fate-um?):
“I love his brain. I want to take all of his knowledge and put it in a bottle and sell it on eBay.”

Well I can think of a few NPA teams who would bid on that auction. The Seafoam Islanders are reportedly considering a “Brain in a Jar” merchandise stand at their next match. Fatum is the first of two Islanders players to go three for three so far in the NPA. While his perfect individual record is impressive, we should really be singing the praises of all the Islanders players and their manager so far, as they hold one of the best records in any division going into week four against the Goldenrod Gamblers who are just coming off the back of a heavy 5-0 shutout to the Holy Spirits. The Gamblers chose to rest key player Skarm, who is undefeated since being the shock number one draft pick. It’s pretty clear that the entire team felt the loss of a player who is really the centerpiece of the Gamblers team.

2. Braindead Primeape 3-0

Braindead Primeape remains undefeated as his team charges into week four where they will face off against a Fallarbor Flames team who have been struggling to find form since week one. The Chargers, on the other hand, are coming in off the back of a 5-0 demolition of the Goldenrod Rollouts.

In a week that can only be described as catastrophic for both Goldenrod teams, fans criticised manager Smith for not taking his job seriously. One frustrated Rollouts fan told us, “This guy has been seen out at frat parties the night before important matches. He’s been showing up to training in a dirty tracksuit because he isn’t sure how to do his own laundry! It’s a joke!”
It’s true that the Rollouts manager has recently been photographed drinking heavily at a Sigma Alpha Moo toga party, but for the most part the Rollouts are looking like a decent team with a shot at making the playoffs. Their match against the Fuchsia Ninjas next week may well be a defining point in their season. As the front runners start to separate from the rest of the pack, the Rollouts will not want to be left behind.

1. The Mossdeep Rockets

Just kidding, they suck!

1. R Inanimate 3-0

R Inanimate continued his NPA rampage this week as the Islanders swept aside the Fortree Brave Birds in convincing style. Cakesofspan became Randy’s latest victim as the Brave Birds continued to plummet down the standings. This week he will face off against old rival and number one draft pick Skarm, who returns to action this week after taking a leave of absence to look after his newly born child, probably. Randy and Skarm met as far back as 2005, which is also the year Babbytron was born, probably.

Recently teams have been complaining of the playing conditions at the Seafoam Stadium. A Brave Birds coach was heard complaining of stray Seel on the training grounds, and the Goldenrod Gamblers have expressed concerns that the icy pitch may be dangerous and are worried that one of their old players may slip and break a hip. Teams have also complained that access to the islands is causing problems for the away teams. The Islanders have dismissed these accusations, pointing out that they had no trouble defeating the Jets in an away fixture and teams are simply making excuses.

Farm League Fiasco

The NPA this season saw sign ups of over 200 players. Of these players, only 72 made it onto teams and into the league. This left a huge proportion of players disappointed and unable to take part, which then lead to talk of a minor leagues forming. Both commissioners hinted that they were looking into the possibility of a “farm league” for the NPA, and while the media hype was mainly circulating around the major leagues, there were still members of Nugget Bridge with their hopes set on making a splash in the minors. Weeks passed and nothing happened. The NPA season got under way and unsigned players feared the worst, yet both commissioners refused to make any official comment on whether a farm league would be formed.

The players waiting on the minor leagues decided to take matters into their own hands and formed a team of their own. They tried to schedule matches with the major league teams, but their challenges were declined since the major league teams were busy playing NPA matches. Finally, during week 3, the unsigned players formed a picket line outside of the major NPA arenas in order to get the attention of the NPA board. The protests worked, but they also caused mass disruption outside of the arenas, making many teams furious. Players and managers from various teams took the opportunity to express their anger at the protests, and many teams let out official statements declining any opportunity to be involved in farm leagues.

Number one draft pick Skarm attempted to calm the situation down by explaining the forming the Minor Leagues would be a long process that may take longer than a few weeks:

“While Minor Leagues were a great idea, these type of things take a lot of time to organize. NPA is already huge and takes a lot of volunteer time that isn’t compensated for.”

Manager Tan of the Celestic Stars released the following statement asking for potential farm league players not to potentially harm Major League teams by hounding them for matches:

“We appreciate all the initiative in the Farmers attempt to show their skills in the NPA. However, while I initially supported the Farmers attempt to reach out, I realized that NPA teams are too busy with their current match ups to give up any time for scrimmages. The week begins on Monday and ends on Sunday, giving NPA teams no time to actually practice with a squad who wants to show off their skills.  It probably even hurts the NPA team that you are challenging because it takes away from their time to prepare for their opponent at hand and worry about the other kids who want to play. I believe that the only team to have given you the time of day is the Birds, and they aren’t exactly doing well right now.”

Completely ignoring the underhanded jab at his team, Brave Birds manager Zach followed up with his own statement echoing those of Tan, while Fallarbor manager Feathers expressed her own feelings in a post game interview after the Gene vs Kyriakou match, in which she admitted she didn’t know what was going on with the farm league.

In fact, after speaking to many of the managers, it became clear that very few people had any idea what the status of the farm league was. We sent our best investigators to do their best investigating, and they eventually came back with BIG answers. It seems the farm league was originally planned to begin during week one of the NPA, but was drastically underfunded despite being budgeted for. We followed a paper trail and came back with:

This shocking photograph shows the commi$$ioner attempting to use large wads of money to shave.

That’s right. He’s at it again! That sneaky commissioner had been embezzling monies meant for the funding of the farm league. It turns out that Duy has been investing some of the NPA’s money into the Castelia Cones’ newest range of ice cream flavours. The Cones have recently turned around their bad run of form and picked up a win this week against the Fallarbor Flames. It seems the players may have been motivated by a little cash encouragement. More on Cones and cash later, as we have another story to report on both of those subjects.

After being caught by our investigators, Biosci eventually stepped in and seized control of all NPA assets. He recently issued an apology to all players for the handling of the Farm League situation and promised never to let Duy have control over the NPA chequebook ever again.

British Champ Kicked After Match Fixing Scandal

Ben Kyriakou was recently dismissed from the Castelia Cones after being found guilty of match fixing. Cones Manager Huy told us in a recent interview that he was certain that Kyriakou must have been deliberately throwing his matches because there’s no way he could be legitimately worse than Zog, who is widely regarded as one of the worst players in NPA history. Kyriakou later admitted to the accusations in a press conference.

What? This photo is totally legitimate.

Ben went on to explain that he desperately needed the money to help fund his addiction to performance enhancing vitamins. Before taking any questions from the press, the player broke down into tears, begging his manager to let him keep him job. Huy wisely called an end to the press conference and took the player away to talk privately. A few hours later, the two returned, along with Goldenrod Rollout’s manager Smith, who had been present during the conference. The three then announced that Kyriakou would not be returning to the Cones rosters, but would instead be traded to the Rollout’s, where Smith has promised to help Kyriakou with his rehabilitation.

We wish Ben a speedy recovery and look forward to seeing him in action for the Rollouts soon.

NPA Standings: Week 3

About the Author

Kinneas Genius, playboy, philanthropist. Kinneas has been playing competitive Pokémon since before people on the internet even cared. He qualified for the 2010 World Championships after placing 2nd at the UK Nationals, and it doesn't matter how he did at Worlds that year, so don't ask, okay?!

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