Reports

Published on July 24th, 2014 | by Zog

27

Lest Ye Become a Pocket Monster – How Zog Topped UK Nationals, Badly

Alright, lads and lasses. I got some free time to go play Pokémon again, so here’s another piece from Zog. How about that, eh? It’s your lucky day! Now, as I sip on my glowing glass of rooibos and gaze so soulfully into the moonlit night sky, let me tell you a story. A meandering, Pokémon-related story that comes from the heart and will, hopefully, be a bit of fun to read. If you’re here for a hard-researched team to copy, be warned cause you ain’t gonna get it!

So, you might remember my last article, the one on Manchester Tournament #6, the tournament I won a few months ago. This time, it’d become that time of year again: time for the annual #ladventure to UK Nationals. Never predictable but always a pilgrimage, UK Nationals is quite unlike any other Pokémon tournament on the circuit. A beautiful blend of good simple fun, fortified with several units’ worth of sharp, vintage postmodern ennui – my favourite. Like an Um Bongo spiked with absinthe, UK Nationals is, on the surface, a box of fun full of juice and flavour, with a characteristic grinning hippo. And that’s what you get if you stay on the surface; just a fun day out. But delve deeper, and it’s an intoxicating charade of otherwise cool guys who somehow ended up disaffectedly playing a kid’s video game for money, drowned in totes hilar #lad banter and irony that I really can’t get enough of. It’s absolutely bizarre, and makes me feel alive to be a part of. There’s nothing quite like UK Nationals. It seems so wrong and so stupid, yet it’s so right, like Chuckle Vision with swearing and inappropriate jokes. If Worlds is four guys sat in a room awkwardly watching Extreme Fishing with Robson Green (or whatever it is you people were watching), UK Nationals is four guys in a bed singing along to Heart FM while a man sits in the corner headbutting a can of lager. Not so much Fiddy’s In Da Club as Devvo’s Donny Soldier.

As an event for a kid’s video game, set in various Travelodge havens of the UK á la I’m Alan Partridge, you could be forgiven for expecting a room full of BO and low aspirations. Pokémon VGC isn’t actually like that. It’s just normal people playing a great game that nearly everyone my age shares in common. It’s not perfect, but it’s a game that’s both mature and welcoming, and that’s why I’m proud to say I play it.

We Interviewed North Wales’ Edgiest and Definitely Busiest Pokémon Player

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’ve had a very (not) busy past few months. Since my last report, I went on an expedition to the Canaries to catch lizards, and came back having had too many brushes with a naked man (who kept trying to swim with jellyfish? I mean really). I got stuck at 3500m in a volcanic crater for four hours with a broken bus, with no signal and only some guy’s belt to tie around the carburetor to apparently make it work again. Despite the guy’s (breathtakingly earnest) insistence that the bus would start with more belts belted around the belt, his strategy didn’t work and I found myself lying in a bush taking selfies in my cat hat like a normal person. I killed it at the Canary Island carnival, got lost in a cloud forest, and got punched in an airport because what happened at carnival didn’t stay at carnival. All in all, strange week, and I haven’t really had a break in the two months since.

Between then and now, I’ve written my entire dissertation in one day, had all my exams, and found myself missing my house keys in a field at 5 AM wearing only beachwear. I’ve had my day made by being told by my straight-faced professor, “I’m sending you on an expedition to Okinawa to capture the vipers you’re researching”, only to have it followed up by “Only joking”. It’s all been very Vice Magazine. Which, incidentally, my supervisor got interviewed in the other week. Despite regularly wearing a t-shirt featuring an angry mantis and the word “ATHEIST”, my university supervisor is apparently cooler than me (he isn’t). It’s not fair.

It was some point not too long ago, as I found myself stargazing in a castle courtyard while a bit tipsy and on the phone, that I realised Nationals was actually coming soon, and that I hadn’t really done anything to prepare for it. Like the incredibly disciplined individual I am, I then proceeded to totally forget about it again.

“I don’t want to” – How One UK Teambuilder Teambuilds Without Teambuilding

As you may have gathered by this point, I really, really was not ready for Nationals. Though to be honest, I never have been. I think I’ve still been making my team on the way to literally every event I’ve been to in the last four years. I’m just that naughty; that, or I have a severely crippling aversion to preparation. I basically threw something together at the last minute, as per usual, and it ended up sort of working. Look, you’d be doing the same if you were the kind of person to find themselves at 7 AM trying to pry an extremely squashed, melted toy banana from a windowsill with a combat knife, a kettle and bicarb of soda, scrubbing it off the windowsill whilst loudly playing a Bjork/Venetian Snares mixtape and wondering just how you ended up in that situation. If you are about that kind of life, this kind of team is probably for you.

“Using the same thing over and over, man, it’s so evocative” – Why Zog Can’t Be Bothered to Make New Teams and Thus Uses the Same Stuff Repeatedly

garchomp
Satisfaction – Benny Benassi
“Push me. And then just touch me. Till I can get my. Satisfaction.”
Garchomp (F) @ Lum Berry
Ability: Rough Skin
EVs: 4 HP / 252 Attack / 252 Speed
Jolly Nature
– Earthquake
– Dragon Claw
– Rock Slide
– Protect

I kid, actually I just use the same stuff because there isn’t anything better than it. In all honesty, Garchomp is quite objectively the best Pokémon in the metagame. If your team doesn’t have a Garchomp, it’s probably missing out. That’s just my opinion, but there you go. It’s fast, it’s hard to shut down, it basically just outdamages the opponent.

This is exactly the same Garchomp I’ve been using for months, so there’s not much else to say here. Now now, dear reader, I know you were hoping I’d have written some funny Garchomp-related jokes, but I didn’t. Sorry. Next Pokémon.

mawile-mega
Windowlicker – Aphex Twin
“Don’t try to diss me, girl, I’m a playa. Playa playa girl, for real.”
Mawile (F) @ Mawilite
Ability: Intimidate/Huge Power
EVs: 252 HP / 252 Attack / 4 Special Defense
Adamant Nature
– Play Rough
– Iron Head
– Sucker Punch
– Protect

Oh hey, it’s my Mawile again! Literally the exact same as back in December, and used for pretty much the same things. Mawile is hand-down one of the best Pokémon in the game, as anyone reading this probably knows already. It’s got a great typing, great abilities and loads of stats. You can’t really go wrong with Mega-Mawile, which is why I dug the old Windowlicker out of the box, ready to come back in style, in that obscenely-long limousine. You should check out the video to the song. It’s a work of art. Unless you’re under the age of 16. Then it’ll probably just make you cry.

Either way, Windowlicker’s a top track in whatever genre you want to say it’s in. There isn’t really a word for it. I’m sorry, what was that from the back there? Did some non-entity just utter the phrase “intelligent dance music”? Would you like to take this outside, pal?

Zog Had a 10-Hour Artistic Mental Breakdown in a Former Premier Inn and These Were the Results

rotom-heat
Radio Stereo – Duck Sauce
“We listen to the radio! It’s better than the stereo!”
Rotom-H @ Leftovers
Ability: Levitate
EVs: 244 HP / 52 Defense / 124 Special Attack / 4 Special Defense / 84 Speed
Modest Nature
– Overheat
– Thunderbolt
– Will-o-Wisp
– Protect

Rotom-Heat. It just kind of works. I wanted to use some other Fire-type like Pyroar in this slot, but the fact is, Rotom also carries the Electric STAB, doesn’t lose to Talonflame, and has respectable bulk, so I went with it. Kinda boring, right?

The EVs were basically random and just intended to make Rotom balanced. The moveset is standard and the name is a song that I like that also makes no sense but sounds good, so I found it appropriate. There was practically no thought at all put into this Rotom and it shows.

salamence
High – Peking Duk
“All that you give, is what you don’t deliver. Stuck in a phase, misguided by mistakes.”
Salamence (F) @ Choice Scarf
Ability: Intimidate
EVs: 4 HP / 252 Special Attack / 252 Speed
Timid Nature
– Draco Meteor
– Dragon Pulse
– Flamethrower
– Stone Edge

Literal random scarf Salamence. It kind of felt appropriate, so I added it, and in the end I wasn’t really sure why. I don’t even like Scarf Salamence, what was I thinking?!?! Though I do really love this song. It’s so good. I could have it on repeat until I inevitably got sick of it – sort of like how I’m a bit sick of Scarf Salamence. I had honestly intended to use Scarf Hydreigon, but in the end I couldn’t be bothered breeding it. A strong work ethic pays off yet again.

The EVs are totally standard and boring, as is the moveset. I’d wanted Hydro Pump over Stone Edge, largely in case I had to play my friend Greg and his Rhyperior, so I could laugh at him. However, I’d forgotten to breed it on as an egg move, so I didn’t bother.

Now, Salamence has been my favourite Dragon to use since pretty much forever. The one that won me flights to Worlds last year, Narayan, is one of my favourite single Pokémon. She’s so big and green and loveable with a Dragon Gem that used to set my inner goddess ablaze. But using Salamence is just not the same since the new games came out, so it’s only fitting that I named my new one after a weirdly uplifting breakup song. I’m sorry, Salamence. You’re special. I’m sure your Draco Meteors and other Special Attack-based moves will make somebody happy. But that weak Stone Edge? Look, baby, the Physical side of our relationship is lacking – that’s why I cheated on you with Garchomp. Even though she’s got… Rough Skin. We should see other people.

gardevoir
Blue Monday – New Order
“But if it wasn’t for your misfortunes, I’d be a heavenly person today.”
Gardevoir (M) @ Sitrus Berry
Ability: Trace
EVs: 212 HP / 116 Defense / 44 Special Attack / 116 Special Defense / 20 Speed
Modest Nature
– Moonblast
– Psychic
– Shadow Ball
– Protect

Ah, Blue Monday the Gardevoir. I’d intended to breed her as shiny, hence the name. But in the end, I couldn’t really be bothered. Hence, Green Blue Monday, something that still makes me laugh a whole week later. Additionally, I’d intended to give her Ally Switch, but noticed too late it was an egg move, and taught her Shadow Ball instead, which actually would prove useful.

The EVs… I’m pretty sure they had a purpose. I really can’t remember coming up with them, but there was probably a reason, and I’ll remember it someday. I have a sneaky feeling it’s literally “Because the numbers are nice and even”.

As for Trace, it’s definitely the best Gardevoir ability. Telepathy doesn’t really provide much of a benefit, especially with only Garchomp as a spread user, while Trace can occasionally wreak havoc. Blue Monday as a name kind I just felt was kind of befitting. Dejected, good-hearted angstiness is kind of beautiful, don’t you think?

kangaskhan-mega
Changes – Faul Ft. Wad Ad
“Honey, I hear you. And I feel for you. It won’t be too long till. We’re back as one again.”
Kangaskhan (F) @ Kangaskhanite
Ability: Scrappy
EVs: 252 Attack / 4 Defense / 252 Speed
Jolly Nature
– Return
– Fake Out
– Sucker Punch
– Power-Up Punch

Well, would you look at that, I’m using a totally standard Kangaskhan. I don’t know, really, it just works. Mega Kangaskhan’s kind of an interesting Pokémon. The entire game is tilted in its favour, to the extent that the main thing keeping it balanced is that, even though it dominates the field when it’s out, its Normal typing makes it hard for it to support its teammates out back.

Changes I think was a really nice name for Kangaskhan. Dissociation is a pretty powerful concept, and Kangaskhan’s Mega-Evolution kind of makes me think, it’s becoming more powerful from baby Kanga leaving its comfort zone and growing up, while the adult Kangaskhan’s like, losing its former sense of self and becoming a new entity even though nothing’s physically changed. Overthinking things? Naaaah, I just think it’s cool. The song itself is great too: a startling deep house-flavoured mix of power and insecurity, each rueful flurry of trumpet a prayer for things to play out in your favour for once. Come on, Parental Bond! Give me those critical hits!

So overall, I ended up with a pretty solid if ramshackle team that was put together at the last minute. It’s just a lot of good Pokémon put together and really not all that difficult to use. I think there’s only the Gardevoir that has a set that isn’t super standard. I didn’t have a clue what the metagame would be like going in, so I just picked Pokémon that would work against anything. The sharp-eyed among you may have noticed: why am I acting like I forgot about Rain? That’s because I forgot about Rain. With literally only Scarf Salamence resisting Water, Rain was basically an auto-lose matchup if in the hands of a competent opponent.

VGC is a Paradise

I’ll begin the story on the Thursday before the tournament. I’d spent a lot of the week up at my university’s main library, which is like an old Edwardian castle perched at the top of a hill. It’s actually rather nice, if I’m honest. This night in particular I was in one of the lounges, mock-haughtily playing Pokémon online with my feet on the desk, the corridors still and the air a heavy midnight haze. I’d been getting slightly annoyed at the fact so many people on the VGC ladder were asking if I was Zog, for some reason. Am I really that bad at hiding? Anyway, Jack (Rebel) and Andy (Shoe) were up to much the same, hunched over their computers, the faint, synthetic glow of laptop screens a reflection of overcast academic doubt. Unlike myself, they did actually have an exam the next day, and were trying and failing to revise. After a while, they packed up and left to go to bed, leaving only me and my friend Kyle, who’d been quietly sat in the corner on a computer. He reminded me of the fact that we hadn’t actually booked a hotel or trains yet, which left me feeling rather unstirred. After a while he said he was booking a train, to which I paid little attention, since I was busy enjoying a phone conversation about beetroot salad. In hindsight I should probably have listened, since the dope went and booked train tickets for everybody without even asking about railcards, in the process wasting around forty quid. I booked a hotel, eventually, and set off down the hill. Aside from being propositioned by an extremely drunk young lady and having to run away, the rest of the night was rather uneventful.

Aside from the weather taking a turn for the terrible, the journey from Bangor to Manchester was relatively normal. I’m pretty sure I was asleep for most of it. Probably the most notable thing to happen was Kyle ruining everything in Wetherspoon’s by being a moron and, despite not having any ID, following me to the bar and declaring that he was with me, denying me the ability to buy myself a martini. Unforgivable. Protip: asking the barman “If I ditch this knobhead, will you serve me?”, while worth the laugh, isn’t going to work.

After arriving at the hotel and over Skype laughing myself to tears at my friend Will playing Hearthstone, I began the arduous process of preparing teams for six people, from nothing, in one evening: the fruits of procrastination. If Andy hadn’t been there to help out and train most of our Pokémon, I don’t know what we would’ve done. He got so exhausted he literally fell asleep on me at around 5 AM, not long after catching me a shiny Bellsprout. I got no sleep at all, and even had to endure an absolute crisis at 7:30 AM when Greg’s borrowed cartridge (with full living Pokédex and everything) went corrupt on me, losing his HP Fire Venusaur and costing around three hours of work. I somehow got it on again, but having to deal with that an hour and a half before registration was absolutely mental. Soon, I’d managed to finish everyone’s teams, including Jack’s Choice Band Aggron, Kyle’s awful Greninja and something completely ramshackle I put together for Greg, including Facade Gyarados and my old Amoonguss in place of his dearly departed Venusaur. “Forgive Me”, indeed.

I slipped on my hate shirt, cat hat, and notorious furry leopard print shorts, and after a brief hiccup wherein I accidentally locked Greg outside shoeless, we all jumped in a taxi for a fun-filled day of Pokémon. I hasten to reiterate that at this point I hadn’t slept properly for something like 48 hours, my entire existence a caffeine-fueled paradox. It was a wonder I managed to survive, to be honest. Since this is UK Nationals we’re talking about, I expected “Masters first round pairings will be posted in ten minutes” to actually mean “Masters first round pairings will be posted in around four hours”, and I was totally right. The delay was actually even longer than last year’s, somehow. It was so bad that a fair amount of people actually left because of the wait. I stuck with it though (no grimer), and eventually it was time to play a children’s video game. Note that due to the game not letting you record battle videos, I have basically no idea whatsoever how any of my games went, so sorry about that!

Round 1 vs Perfectly Reasonable Guy Who Happened to Use Nidoking

Alas, I can barely remember anything about the first round. Or any other round, for that matter. What I can remember is that he had a Nidoking, and I KOed it. A story for the ages.

1-0

Round 2 vs I Don’t Even Remember This Happening

Literally zero recollection of this round. Amnesia is real, and from what I gather, I used it around here. +2 Special Defense! Worth noting at this point is that, after losing to a Robert Kendall in the first round, my brother dropped, giving him the most banterously bad Swiss record in history.

2-0

Round 2.5 vs Jack and the Trafford Centre

Fuelled only by a Belveeta breakfast biscuit I stole off my brother at around 5 AM and an eye-gougingly bad sandwich from the refreshments stand that I threw away after eating only the suspiciously brown bacon from it, fatigue was setting in, and the situation with the gang started to get a bit tense. Thus, like Ross Kemp, I took my cue and got outta there. We found ourselves in the Trafford Centre, for some reason searching for a Subway, by which I mean Jack steamed ahead without having a clue where he was going while I enjoyed myself weaving through Manchester’s greatest tribute to low-level consumerism. Despite there being perfectly good Chinese food available, apparently that wasn’t good enough for Jack. He wanted something more occidental, and carried on through the shopping centre. Hungry and pizzaless but a good half mile away from the venue by now and with round 3 imminent, I called off the hunt and had the lads literally run back through the Trafford Centre, losing my brother somewhere in the process. Amusingly it took like 45 minutes to notice he was gone.

Round 3 vs Girl Who Liked Moss

In a close shave, I managed to make it back just after the pairings had been posted, and found myself up against a girl with my most dreaded matchup: straight Rain. I was weirdly impressed by how she recognised my ingame name Sara Senya as being a play off my favourite plant genus, and it turned out she was a bit of a plant specialist doing a project on Spaghnum moss, which is incidentally what Sarracenia grows in. Coincidences right? That said, I felt reassured about specialising in something as cool as vipers. But doing lab work with moss? Now that’s a prospect worth avoiding!

I ended up winning, anyway, I think by outspeeding Ludicolo with my timid Salamence, who I suppose did come in useful now that I think about it. I still don’t regret the breakup though. I am a strong independent woman who don’t need no Mence. However, I still cling to easy-to-digest comedy catchphrases. *sob*

3-0

Round 4 vs Florian Wurdack (DaFlo)

My first scary pairing of the day! Time to go with Daflo. My former comrade with the Hearthome Holy Spirits gave a great match, and while the only part of the game I remember was Gardevoir’s Shadow Ball winning it for me, I do distinctly remember my brother giving me a box of McNuggets and me subjecting poor Florian to a tirade about the poor quality of the meat, how terrible it tasted, why am I eating it, do you want one, I hate McDonald’s they are a stain on society, this barbecue sauce is just sugar isn’t it, etc etc. I really don’t like McDonald’s. I’ve had one too many 4 AM Filet O’ Fishes for them to still appeal to me. In fact, I could go full Bieber-mop-bucket-mode on them, but since I do appreciate their free Wi-Fi it would be a little undeserved.

4-0

Round 5 vs Joe Wilson (RussianGG)

Oh hey Joe, nice fluffy hair you’re rocking today. Looks like we’re playing again. Once I remember the fact I’m in Flight B and haven’t suddenly become part of Flight A. In fact, why am I leaning against the wall by the Flight A tables? Why am I even here? Some questions were made to never be answered.

Alas, Joe was using Rain, so I had pretty much no chance. After somehow being done in by Snarl, which I’ve always considered a terrible move (because it is a terrible move), the game ended up with just my Salamence with her back against the wall, ready to be KOed to the inevitable Ice Beam from Ludicolo and Politoed, but not without taking one with her. But hey, at least she went down romantically and in the heartbreaking manner in which all lovers should hope to die. Something like that.

4-1

Round 6 vs Alberto Gini (BraindeadPrimeape)

Needless to say I was actually quite thrilled when I saw the pairings for this round. There are a few players in this game that I really love to come up against. Rare people who play with conviction and fire in their eyes. After getting to a high level and beating everybody without having to put in any effort, it’s all too easy to get complacent in the game we call Pokémon. When I was younger and more reckless I got cocky once, and because of that I got put down slow and steady on the timer by one Matteo Gini. I’d still made the Worlds quarter finals, which I was proud of, but I came out knowing I’d have to learn to discipline myself if I was to win a tournament. So it was a pleasure to come up against his brother, who’s just as good!

I couldn’t give you a play by play, but this game was some of the most fun I’ve had with Pokémon in such a long time. Turns entwined with multi-faceted reads and bluffs that could make grown men cry, provided they’re a bit of a wet lettuce who gets emotional at video games. I ended up winning by using Return on a Mega Tyranitar or something weird like that. But this was a great game that made me happy to be playing Pokémon, and question my decision to quit.

5-1

Round 7 vs Luigi Lo Giudice (LPROX)

I’d say I’m a sucker for tempting fate, but literally “You’d better not have a Rain team” and hey, Rain team. Like the late DJ Mehdi, I’m a Lucky Boy. That said, I’d rather have to play a Rain team than fall through my own roof and die. That’d just be sad, wouldn’t it?

But yeah, Rain, I had no chance really. My fault!

My favourite part of this round was overhearing some absolute moron say “Yes, I’ve got a girl! Easy win!”, only to go on and get totally destroyed. I gave that guy a good dressing down, anyway. People like that do my head in. Somewhere around here I gave Tyler Bakhtiari (Pokeguru01) a lovely Krispy Kreme doughnut and he plopped chocolate sauce all over the floor, which was kind of hilarious.

5-2

Round 8 vs Guy With High Jump Kick Scrafty

At this point I was totally resigned from the tournament and really not expecting to Top Cut, so I just had fun with the one game I had left. I can’t really remember what happened aside from being given Tropius cards and Scrafty’s High Jump Kick missing on my Mawile the first time he used it, and me laughing because I’m a heartless man. But hey, I won, hooray, 6-2 and probably 25th or something.

6-2

Florian came over and told me he’d come in with a bye, and beaten somebody with a bye, and I was like… actually maybe I have Top Cut. Funnily enough, when the pairings came up, I had managed to sneak in on 16th place again! Not bad, eh?

How Being a Lad Behind a Tree Became the Hottest Fad in Manchester

This part of the day is just kind of a haze for me. I went to ASDA’s and bought a load of Henry Weston’s extra strength cider, embracing my inner scally and intending to go on a nice night out in Manchester. Then suddenly I found myself having to mediate between hotel staff and my friend downstairs, who apparently was too much of a fire risk to let inside. It’s a long and stupid story but the entire situation was so ridiculous I simply walked out of the hotel and went to find somewhere else to stay. This, incidentally, turned out to involve hiding behind a large bush, playing a lot of CHVRCHES on my iPod and waiting for dad to come and rescue us. Pensively peering through the roadside foliage at 1 AM on the outskirts of Manchester, waiting for a middle-aged man in an SUV, I had never felt so George Michael. Instead of making shapes at Satan’s Hollow, by 3 AM I was in bed at home with Jack KO’d in the corner, watching Andy stroke my rather attractive cat. And I still hadn’t had anything to drink.

After an early start, some Nature Valley bars (which apparently have an anime-based cult following? What?) and a Starbucks, we were soon back in Manchester and ready for the Top Cut.

Top 32 vs Tyler Bakhtiari (Pokeguru01)

Well, what a terrible pairing! Tyler’s deserved to make Worlds for ages and I really didn’t want to have to play him so early. But hey, neither of us could do anything about it.

I won the first game, and going into the second game I remember having the win sealed provided I won the Garchomp Speed tie. Of course, I didn’t, so it went to game three. I think I got done in by a Moonblast Special Attack drop and critical hit, if I remember rightly. But I didn’t mind, really. I hadn’t played perfectly and I’ve kind of had enough with this game.

If I was going to lose to anyone, I’m happy it was Tyler. He played well and had a better team than me, but most importantly he’s a good kid, and I’m glad he did so well.

The Zog Guide to Not Being a Plonker at VGC

So basically, I got Top Cut at Manchester and then didn’t win anything. I couldn’t go to Bochum because of work commitments, then couldn’t go to Milan because of other stuff, even though I really wanted to. So, looks like I’m sitting out of Worlds this year, unfortunately. Which is a shame, but at the same time I’m not unhappy about it.

Pokémon’s been good for me down the years. It’s given me something to do and be good at, and given me an excuse to travel loads of places I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’ve been to Worlds three times and UK Nationals six times, and Top Cut pretty much every tournament I’ve played in. It’s been kind of really, really fun. I’m finding now, though, that I’m just completely incapable of preparing for a tournament. Like the battle-worn Pokémon ronin I sort of am, I’m literally only still playing for the thrill of fighting really strong opponents. I’m in it so deep I’m kind of committed at this point. I know more about Pokémon than I do about my actual degree on real life animals, which is slightly sad and slightly hilarious. I’m at the point now where I can pretty much play and win with the first thing that comes into my head, which means I can’t be bothered teambuilding or testing. At the same time, I’m only happy when I win all my games, so I’m stuck getting bored whether I win or lose, which isn’t all that great. I haven’t been super competitive since 2011, but I’ve decided now’s the time to say I’m retiring from the big tournament side of things and only taking it casually in the future.

So, for now I won’t be playing at all. I’ll be back when the new games come out and bring us a fresh new season, but only because I love a really, really good fight. If you’re learning how to play Pokémon and you want to take it seriously, I want you to be strong enough to beat me. I want, you know, to be thrilled for once. Because it’s so rare for this game to excite me nowadays, and VGC needs new blood. Let me tell you: it ain’t easy bein’ steasy.

Do

  • Learn how to get good at Pokémon; it is a load of fun, honest. There’s still not much I love more than a proper Pokémon battle with someone who can give me a run for my money.
  • If you’re the right age, obviously, don’t be scared of socialising with the Pokémon lads. We’re a fun bunch of people! Even if some of us are 26, we’re probably not going to deck you. That only happens if you question our choice of employment.
  • Even if you’re just starting out, still do your best and don’t be scared. There’s plenty of people who’ve made Worlds this time round on their first year of VGC, and so long as you know what you’re doing, you always have a chance. I mean, my best mate Jack is a complete idiot and he still went 5-3 with Aggron and Mega Aerodactyl.
  • Remember to bring refreshments. There are always delays, but there are never adequate refreshments. I was downing prebought cans of Monster all day and would have imploded otherwise, so to avoid imploding bring a bag full of pre-prepared caffeine.
  • You’re welcome to ask me anything you like about anything I’ve written here. I am pretty rubbish at replying but I do my best!

Don’t

  • Probably a bit ironic coming from the former World No. 5 and current World No. 30, but don’t take the game too seriously. Pokémon is just a bit of fun, not all stats and spreadsheets. Though I admit winning is the good part, if you let preparation consume you then the game itself becomes really unenjoyable. All of the coolest players just pick the game up right before the event and win all their games. It’s the stylish thing to do. So make sure you, like, have real hobbies and hit the gym and stuff on top of the Pokémon, then you’ll also be better at Pokémon. Logic.
  • Some people and some trousers just weren’t made for running. If in doubt, wear underwear. That is all.
  • Anyone with eagle eyes and a sense of humour may have noticed the lack of toilet-based signage. Why is this a don’t? Don’t mention it again, that’s why!

So that was my weekend in Manchester briefly condensed into a semi-legible format. I hope you enjoyed reading about it! The name of this report again is based on my favourite quote ever, “If you stare into the abyss, it stares back at you”, literally the deepest thing ever and not just because an abyss is really deep. I gave it this name because there’s a bit before the abyss part, which goes “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster”, which means something slightly different. I was talking to my mum the other day and she referred to herself as being “Confused, like a Pokémon”, which firstly made me laugh and secondly reminded me of the fact that I battle with (Pocket) monsters far too much and should probably avoid becoming the next species of Pokémon.

But yeah, that’s that! I might have had enough of playing Pokémon, but I don’t think I’m ever going to let it go entirely. I’ve just had too much fun to do that. See you around!


About the Author

A veteran tournament player, Daniel "Zog" Nolan is proud of his no-nonsense attitude and silly sense of humour. When he's actually doing work, Zog likes to hide toy snakes in the wilderness (and other decidedly more lab-based activities) in the name of scientific progress. Follow on Instagram at dan_z_nolan and Twitter @Zoggykins!



27 Responses to Lest Ye Become a Pocket Monster – How Zog Topped UK Nationals, Badly

  1. Werford says:

    It’s always a treat to read your reports. You write like some sort of daft mix of Graham Chapman and Hunter S Thompson.
     
    If you’re not coming to Worlds as a spectator, you’d best qualify next year when you unretire. Your brand of hedonism always seems like so much fun.

  2. Cinaclov says:

    That was incredible. I rate it four Pikachu’s out of Garchomp.

  3. 13Yoshi37 says:

    good yamsing job
    first mistake running 5/6 of my nats team but not GENGAR and then not going undefeated, too. I am disappointed

  4. SirSmoke says:

    Top banter.

  5. “UK nationals is four guys in a bed singling along to Heart FM while a man sits in the corner headbutting a can of lager.” – Can’t help feeling like I know something about that xD
     
    Great report as always, at least if you’re taking Pokemon more casually from now on, that leaves more time to get wrecked in Satan’s Hollow. After all, nationals is just an excuse to excessively drink for a weekend isn’t it?

  6. bombe32 says:

    It feels weird listening to the song Kangaskhan is named after while reading this report.
     
    Great read! :)

  7. nineinchnailed says:

    I love Blue Monday from New Order. Good choice of name. 10/10 for the article.

  8. ScottMtc says:

    Using the same thing over and over, man, it’s so evocative

    […]
     
    I hate McDonald’s they are a stain on society
     

    and most of all:
     

    I don’t even like Scarf Salamence

     
    These quotes alone make this article worth to read  :mellow:

  9. NeuroticAegislash says:

    Having been a lurker for a long time, I’ve never actually read a Zog piece…

    What a first couple paragraphs to pop my cherry on.

  10. TwiddleDee says:

    You, unequivocally, write the best reports on NuggetBridge. It’s always a pleasure to read about your experience!

  11. Pokeguru01 says:

    I felt so defeated when the chocolate sauce went on the floor, worst of all, I was actually considering dipping a finger in the dropped sauce.

    ALLY SWITCH?! Yesssssssssss. But just imagine how our battle would’ve turned out with opposing Ally Switches…it would’ve been funny.

    It’s strange how our teams don’t like rain too much, we live in the UK, yet we didn’t prep for rain…Anywho, nice report senpai, here’s hoping that next year we don’t have to battle so early on in the top cut.

  12. Baz Anderson says:

    Ah, Zog, you legend. Probably the best article this site has seen (besides my own, of course) – you nailed what the UK Nationals and I guess “competitive Pokémon” is about. Such a joy to read.

    You’ve been in the competitive side longer than I have, but I am a fair bit older and have been considering putting this to a side and taking it more casually too (although this is a whole other issue). I’m all booked in for Worlds though, so I guess that didn’t happen… maybe next year.

    Next Manchester tournament, we really, really need to have a night out there.

  13. victin1rox says:

    wtf… This is THE BEST report I have ever read, also don’t diss snarl it is actually really cool.

  14. Toquill says:

    This report is so perfect I’m crying

    stay fab Zog <3

  15. Firestorm says:

    I picked this cover image because I had the same reaction when I first saw it as I did when I did my initial reading of the article.

  16. Technoz says:

    Ah, another well written report, tis a great shame that the one year I made worlds is the year that you wont be attending. Thanks for writing!

  17. seasicknesss says:

    Wonderful report. Can’t wait to see you back next season. Come to Guam already ;)

  18. GoldenEmp says:

    Zog, I secretely love you since 2010. No homo. Nice nice read, as always.

  19. kibago11 says:

    I have never met you, and I likely never will, but you have a very certain set of skills, mostly drinking and referencing shady Northern rap stars, which need to be celebrated.

    Henry Weston would be proud of what you did in Manchester. Stay strong, brother.

  20. East says:

    Tl;dr

    I use good pokemon and have decent fundamentals.

  21. Aggi says:

    Your writing skills baffles me. This is easily one of the best reports I have read. Too bad it wasn’t so detailed in the matches, but what can you do?

  22. sohaib says:

    Gotta say this is the best team report I have read in a long time

  23. Bort says:

    Lad culture hasn’t completely taken over UK Nationals, has it? I don’t want to go next year and feel out-of-place because I’m not one of the “lads”.

  24. fxelxy says:

    Very nice read! Appreciate a non so teambuilding centered report once in a while. Keep it up!

  25. CodeCass says:

    Fantastic read! One of the best I’ve read on the site in a while!

  26. Shoe says:

    An amazing read even though it brings back some of the unpleasant memories of the hotel incident..

    I suppose something I could add about the team is that while raising the gardevoir, Zog gave me the EVs saying that it was ‘BETTER STAT ECONOMY’; I’m not sure why but I trust his judgment with these things.

  27. zandodak says:

    I have just one question. How did you get your rooibus to glow?

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